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Food

Canned Food Will Save Our Children from Certain Death

An Alabama school principal is recommending that in the event of a dangerous school shooter or classroom intruder, children arm themselves with cans of beans or soup. Err ... maybe?

If the whole of human history is to be believed, children are very literally our future. They'll be alive when we're all dead—if grey goo doesn't swallow them up first, that is.

As such, children should be protected from things like grizzly bears and school intruders whenever possible. While plenty of pro-gun zealots have advocated arming our toddlers to the teeth with semi-automatic weapons, one Alabama school principal has offered a more moderate (and … inventive) approach to self-defense: Just throw canned food.

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Indeed, W.F. Burns Middle School Principal Priscella Holley instructed parents in a letter last week to send their children to class with an eight-ounce can of food. "We realize at first this may seem odd, however, it is a practice that would catch an intruder off guard," Holley wrote. "The canned food item could stun the intruder or even knock him out until police arrive. The canned good item will give the students a sense of empowerment to protect themselves and will make them feel secure in case an intruder enters the classroom."

That isn't to consider, perhaps, the efficacy of the cans should the intruder be wielding a gun, knife, machete, or ability to step or duck out of the way. Nor does it examine whether a single can of beets or pears or Chicken and Stars soup is sufficient for each student.

Would one hand-sized grocery item truly suffice in inducing unconsciousness against a bloodthirsty, child-hating brute? And also, would throwing a desk or chair not have a greater likelihood of creating injury than a mere 12 ounces of sodium and preservatives?

As food professionals, we feel compelled to point out that not all canned food is equal, and the successful defense of a classroom depends upon knowing the relative strengths of, say, a can of condensed tomato soup or a canned whole chicken.

When setting up an edible arsenal, one must first compare the relative densities of various canned foods. Eight tall ounces of pineapple juice is fine for a teacher to handle, but eight ounces of heavy corn syrup is the perfect size for preteen fists and packs equal wallop.

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And why stop at simply throwing things to "knock him out"? Consider crafting a chemical weapon made from a can of cream of mushroom soup, left to ripen in the sun until it's bloated with botulism. Or turn a can of sweetened condensed milk, destined for silky dulce de leche, into an IED after an extended boil on the stovetop. (Do classrooms have access to stovetops? This is the greater problem.)

To Holley's credit, she didn't cook up this strategy herself. It has been recommended in the past by facilitators for ALICE (Alert Lockdown Inform Counter Evacuate), a DARE-like program designed to help students and teachers deal with a potential threat. Schools in both Concord, Massachusetts and Lake Geneva, Wisconsin have been given similar advice. There's even an accompanying video encouraging students to pelt armed gunmen with assorted classroom tchotchkes and office supplies should their school be under attack. Skip to 12:30 for the satisfying moment of chair- and book-throwing assault.

One point that can be given for this self-defense method is that it will likely result in about two to four seconds of confusion for the villain at hand. Beyond that … classroom full of can-wielding children, we wish you luck. You might want to load up on safety scissors too, just in case.

Disclaimer: MUNCHIES does not condone violence with soup cans in any way, but approves of eating soup from cans, always.