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Food

Christmas Turkey-Flavored Candy Might Cause an Airport Riot

Heathrow Airport is doling out candies to holiday travelers that are supposed to taste exactly like Christmas dinner. There was only one way to find out if they succeeded—to give each and every one a good yule-time sucking.
Photo courtesy of Heathrow Airport.

In the future, we'll condense Christmas dinner into one mouthful. We won't have to grab chairs from the conservatory or tactically pull crackers so that everyone gets a toy. There will be no "Pass the gravy… pass the salt… oh shit, we forgot to call your Auntie Marj!"

It will all be there, in one tiny gobble. Christmas over and done with in a zeptosecond—and then back to ploughing Mars or worshipping at the paws of our evil feline overlords… or whatever it is we'll be up to.

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Well, the future's here. Thanks to Heathrow Airport.

I give you: Boarding Bon Bons. A holiday handout for anyone traveling through the airport between Christmas Eve and Boxing Day, these three uniquely flavoured sweets each claim a "distinctly Christmas taste"—turkey, sage and onion stuffing, and Christmas pudding. Yup. This is not a piss take.

With over 100,000 passengers reportedly flying on the 25th, all festive flyers will be treated to these souped-up boiled sweets. They've even got their own hashtag (#boardingbonbons) and a disclaimer: "The turkey flavoured sweet is not suitable for vegetarians."

So, would it be #boardingbonbons4evs or #boardingbonbonsmademebarf? There was only one way to find out—to give each and every one a good yule-time sucking.

Photo

Photo courtesy of Heathrow Airport.

Turkey up first. The minute I pop the orange-and-white-striped bon bon in my mouth, it's instant turkey—almost like a microwave meal in my cakehole. It's quite sweet and intense, if not overly enjoyable. In fact, far from being a gimmicky sweet for Christmas, I rather like it.

I realize I've spoken too soon. The flavour's evolved into something not akin to sugary chicken. I actually feel like I've had one too many turkey sandwiches at the end of a long hard day of busting open presents and getting pissed on Buck's Fizz (i.e., sick).

What this mouth explosion needs is some sage and onion stuffing! Luckily for me, that's bon bon number two.

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Popping the green-and-white-striped… oh, sweet mother of God, make it end! This is an abomination. (An a-BON-ination?) I would laugh, but I can't. My mouth is on fire with what can only be described as a sage-and-onion napalm attack.

Seriously, M15 take note. Need a confession? Give them one of these. This is some kind of abuse. I hope they have sky marshals on the planes at Heathrow, because one lick of this and there's going to be a riot.

This is like the sweet that just keeps on giving, if the giving was electric shock therapy to the testicles. If I'm chewing on this 37,000 feet up, I'm sure I'd find myself bashing the window in with my laptop—or just spitting it out.

Time for dessert: Christmas pudding in the neat little form of a red-and-black-striped bon bon. It's with some trepidation I shove it behind the teeth. It can't be as bad as the stuffing sweetie, surely?

Wow. This. Is. Not. Good.

I'm getting watered-down Cognac, raisins that have been left out in the rain, and a slight acrid taste of burned toast. Yup. This is Christmas pudding alright. They've perfectly captured one of the worst desserts known to man, and it is suitably horrendous. Mouth, I am so so sorry.

As opposed to the turkey bon bon, however, the dessert sweetie gets better with age. There's a chocolaty flavour to it, and a sort of festive flavour of cloves and warm spices. But I think I'll wait until next Christmas to see if it grows on me anymore.

While these taste sensations certainly aren't gourmet (who knew?), if you're floating above the planet on Christmas Day, missing your loved ones, pining for, well, a pine tree, I actually think these flavours would be a welcome nostalgic trip. There's no doubt that they do indeed offer the tastes of Christmas.

Just keep the toilets vacant, yeah?