How to Not Totally Screw Up the Art of Summer Grilling

It's that time of year again when the sun is out, making the ground impossible to walk on barefoot. No matter where you are, your neighborhood suddenly has a palm tree or two you never noticed before. Bathing suits are worn at the grocery store, and you can un-ironically say "beach day" to your friends. Are you still at a loss as to what time of year I'm talking about? Why, it's summer time, ya big lug! The time we are in right now. It's summer. Now. Right now. I don't care if the calendar claims June 21st as the official start of the solstice.

The epitome of summer fun is, of course, the legendary barbecue. An outdoor event that does more than bring people together to eat copious amounts of meat. It also brings people together to get completely wasted before 4 PM. A truly beautiful event. You've probably been to a fair amount of barbecues in your time, but have you been attending these day-parties appropriately? There are rules to follow at meat grilling parties that, if you do follow accordingly, will make not only your time at them more enjoyable, but will be more enjoyable for the people around you. Whether it's your barbecue, your neighbor's, or a total stranger's backyard that you're crashing, these simple guidelines will ensure that you are doing it all right.

There Is No Such Thing as a 'Grill Master' Look, I get it. You love being in charge of that grill, but the worst thing you can be at a barbecue is that person who talks about how 'good' they are at cooking meat when it's on fire. Especially if you're not the one cooking at that particular event. We've all seen that person, the jealous grill watchdog who zones in on whoever is grilling. This grill-shamer puts down the person doing everyone at the party a favor. "You left that in too long." "This is a charcoal grill, right?" "Can you even make a burger medium-rare? Cause I totally know how to do that." Just shut up, Larry. By the way, if you are this person, your name is automatically Larry. Regardless of gender or age, Larry is who you are. Larry the stuck-up meat dweeb. Sidenote: You have to have a charcoal grill. Gas grills may be convenient, but for a more smoky and authentic flavor, charcoal grilling is where it's at.

Keep it Simple, Stupid Barbecue foods are iconic. Don't mess with the best. The three must-haves are hamburgers, hot dogs, and corn-on-the-cob. Everything else is a waste of time. Ribs? Come on. Steak? Are you kidding me with this shit? If you want such a fancy meal well then maybe you should just skip the barbecue and head over to T.G.I. Friday's, you food snob. If your barbecue has brown rice, bell peppers that are colors other than green, or pineapples on a stick, you are a disgrace and should have your tong license revoked.

Be a Dad Obviously not everyone can be a dad, and I usually wouldn't recommend it. In fact, for most cases I would not recommend it. But, there's something about barbecues that make dads the most fun persons to be around. Much like pregnant women in their third trimester, dads pounding their third beers while standing around shirtless in cargo shorts are simply glowing. Then again, it could just be the sun reflecting rays off their prominent beer-bellies that's giving them that weird glowing effect. Regardless, dads are barbecue must-haves. If you can't have a dad at yours, channel your inner-dad and chat someone up about the stock market and Mel Brooks movies immediately.

Don't Just Drink Beer This is an extremely important one, people. As refreshing and summer-y beer is, it's not the only alcoholic beverage that can come to the party. Whiskey, can definitely hang out. Vodka, wine coolers, margaritas, even champagne. All alcohol is welcome, and all of it should be inside you.

Keep Your Vegan-ism to Yourself As admirable as it is that you've given up nearly 100 percent of the most delicious foods on the planet, most of us do not want to hear about it as we're chowing down on delicious red meat. Usually, I'm fine with you telling me about how many cows are stuffed into a locker before they're taken to the killing factory. Actually, I take that back. I'm never fine with hearing about this, and it always makes me nearly burst into tears. Damn you vegans, just let me enjoy this god-damn burger. It's not uncommon for me to cry while eating, but I really don't want to have to do it in public. Save your disgust with our carnivorous eating habits for the message boards!

BYOFIYHDR (Bring Your Own Foods if You Have Dietary Restrictions) If you have allergies, don't eat meat, keep kosher, etc. bring your own appropriate foods to the party. Don't expect whoever is hosting the barbecue to already have what you need. Even if on that Facebook event they say something along the lines of, "we'll have veggie dogs," don't count on them to have enough of said veggie dogs or the kind you like. Bring your own, and kindly ask the griller in charge to make it for you. Also, whatever food you're bringing, don't be an asshole when it comes to sharing. Cheryl might suddenly remember she has a gluten allergy upon seeing that you brought gluten-free buns, and you'll just have to share because that's what being a good samaritan is all about.

Eat Three of Everything At least. Barbecues are a glorious time to be extremely gluttonous. You might hate yourself the next day, but fuck it. That doesn't matter in the moment. Right now, you most definitely have room for another burger, another hot dog, more chips, and a bucket of salsa. Then some ice cream for dessert, which doubles as an appetizer for when you start this eating pattern all over.

Listen to Santana Because you're so smooth.

This post originally appeared on MUNCHIES in July 2014.