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Sex-Averse Vegetarians Live Longer (If They Also Happen to Be Lizards)

Sober vegetarians might have lousy sperm, but a new study suggests that reptiles that avoid meat and sex tend to live significantly longer than their more decadent cousins.
Photo via Flickr user Dallas Krentzel

Sober vegetarians might have lousy sperm, but if you're a longevity-seeking reptile, your best bet is to avoid meat and fucking.

In a recent article entitled "Late bloomers and baby boomers: ecological drivers of longevity in squamates and the tuatara," a team of researchers from Tel Aviv University writes that lizards that reproduce infrequently and late in life (and producing fewer offspring in the process) are more likely to live long into their golden years. They also tend to avoid nutrient-rich meat that would accelerate their growth process.

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After examining data on 1,014 different reptile species, researchers discovered that diet was a crucial factor in determining lifespan. Herbivorous and omnivorous reptiles lived nearly 20 percent longer than carnivorous animals of the same size. But the kicker is that herbivorous and omnivorous diets were considered to be comparatively less healthy than meat-only diets. The researchers report that "low-quality nutrition"—in this case, a diet that includes plants—"reduces growth rates, promotes a relative decline in reproductive rates and thus prolongs life."

Essentially, these reptiles are living longer because they're stunted.

The researchers also found that reptiles living in high latitudes and cold regions tend to live longer than their warmer cousins. The researchers theorized that cold temperatures translate to less activity and slower development—meaning that the lizards' loving times are delayed until later in life. (It also means that all of life's other processes, such as aging, are sped up as well.) Interestingly, the researchers also found that the reptiles live longer in captivity than in the wild, probably because there are zero natural predators trying to eat you when you're in a cage at the zoo.

Now, we can't exactly compare the humble but steadfast family of squamates, nor that of the tuataras, to humans. They're cold-blooded in physiological terms, though perhaps not in demeanor, and humans are plainly the opposite. In cold climates, our metabolism kicks into high gear instead of going into hibernation mode.

Still, for all of you vegans who were miffed that your sperm isn't as statistically potent as your steak-eating neighbor, take heart: Somewhere in the world, your vegan soul-brothers are living the long life you've always wanted, even if that means having cold blood and a tail.