Shit! My brother and I were invited to this Secret Santa party and we don't have any gifts to bring! Why didn't I think about this sooner?? Where the hell did the time go??I've probably been spending way too much time on Ello. That and putting my thumbprints in bae's new phone.
All photos by Chris Maggio.
Whew. This works—my brother got it at a staff party a few years ago when he was managing a Radio Shack. OK, let's go: the Tesla's in the driveway and I think it's done charging.
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What? God dammit! This party is a potluck, too?? Maybe I can kill two birds with one stone. I can just nuke this cutlet and throw some garnish around it. I'll wrap it up and put it at the back of the pile.
Wait, what?? What do you mean everyone is vegetarian?? OK, I can just gift-wrap everything in my fridge. I'll wrap a loaf of bread too—there's enough stuff here for the whole party. LOL, all right, let's go. I've got a game of Fruit Ninja paused, and my brother's gonna drive while I play it in silence.
Fuck you!! What do you mean "everyone at the party is trying to be gluten-free for a month"? And all of their kids are on the Paleo diet now?? OK, what about this?
What?! How the hell is everyone straight edge now??? Are we talking about the same people???OK, forget the food. Do they have anything to put the presents under? This GMO Christmas tree is the gift that keeps on giving: If they plant it after the holidays, it grows apples, oranges, lemons, and pineapples.
What? No!!! I completely forgot that all of the guests broke their arms playing in an adult dodgeball league!! How the hell are they gonna decorate this thing? None of the guests have hands!!Hmmmmm…Bingo! This is it. Regardless of diet, everyone needs to brush their teeth after they eat (except before you go to bed…that doesn't count). This hands-free couples toothbrush might have been recalled after giving too many people concussions, but I think it'll be the perfect gift for a crowd who literally can't eat, drink, or hold anything.
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Wait! On second thought, the perfect gift has been under my nose this whole time! I'll just give my brother away! You can't re-gift a human life! Plus, now there's one less mouth to feed at this stupid potluck, and I don't have to give away our only toothbrush.
OK, let's hit the road. You might be taped inside there, but you've still gotta drive, dude.Happy Holidays!With help from Anton Spivack, Derek Vincent, and Elena Tarchi. This first appeared on MUNCHIES in December 2016.