The MUNCHIES Guide to Eating When You're Single

You used to be with someone. You got into the habit of eating out ten times a week (and three of those were take-out), and for every other meal, your other half would leave you something in the fridge to warm up. You were deep in it. Exchanges at the dinner table were filled with romance, passion, and debriefings about the latest episode of some dumb TV series which often served as the prelude to sex.

Now that you're alone, you make food every other day, and the mountain of dishes piling up in your sink is as high as the stack of used tissues next to your bed.

But don't let that get you down. In the wise words of an anonymous Internet user: "Being single doesn't mean you're weak; it means you're strong enough to wait for what you deserve." To prove it, we've put together a few tips and tricks to help you survive in the kitchen until your next great love comes along.

They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but right now, the most important thing for you is to find someone new. Forget the long minutes you lost buttering your toast while gazing deeply into your significant other's eyes. Start making the most of that precious time. Begin by fusing together breakfast and lunch by transforming your croissant into a "croissantwich" (with ham, mayo, and crudités). Feel free to execute this game plan every day of the week while you drag your flip-flops around and put classical music on full blast. Your neighbors might think you're crazy, but fate doesn't leave us any time to waste, does it?

Another trick is to eat your cereal directly in the box. Just pour in some milk. The benefits are three-fold: You save time, you can take it on your commute, and it's one less bowl to wash when you get home.

Dishwashing and laundry are the bane of every single person's existence. When there's two of you, you can take turns. When you're alone, you no longer give a crap. Thankfully, the great theoreticians of singlehood have devised some clever methods to check off two tasks at once. For the dishes, find a pH-neutral dish soap and use your shower time to clean your dirty plates, pans, and utensils. For the laundry, maximize the time you spend at the laundry mat by whipping up a dish of slow-cooked sardines at a low temperature next to your clothes.

Steamed dumplings must be treated in the same manner that shirts should be ironed before a first date: with great care and attention to detail. In between two collars, take a quick break to gently heat up this delicacy that you'll soon be savoring.

There is one upside to your return to singlehood: You get to play video games again. Before you dive back into that game of GTA that's been on pause for a year and a half, please take note of the following warnings:

• Supermarkets generally close between 7 and 9 PM.
• Technically, this "girlfriend" who's on your "team" is not a girl, but a guy.
• Your Playstation is going to overheat so badly over the next few days, you might as well use it to cook an egg.

Eight minutes. That's the amount of time it takes to cook spaghetti to al dente. It's also the amount of time it takes to swipe through 480 Tinder profiles averaging at one per second.

In other words, you're just as likely to achieve pasta perfection as you are to match with the greatest one-night stand of your life. And with that, take a big bite out of your new life.