The Teddy Goalsevelt Guide to Eating at the World Cup

You're 4,000 miles from home, have 40 minutes until sunrise, and only four reais in your pocket… what do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?!? Fortunately (or unfortunately), this is not a question many people have faced. But for me, Teddy Goalsevelt, reluctant World Cup sensation, it was a regular challenge while I attended eight matches and visited eight cities during this year's World Cup in Brazil.

But before I get to the food, I should probably start with a confession. I love soccer. I love it enough to put myself through an itinerary that included nearly 11,000 miles of travel around Brazil. I love it to the point of sleeping four consecutive nights in airplanes and airports. And, I love it enough to not care that much about food. So, what the hell am I doing writing a food blog post? Well, for those lucky folks still down there in Brazil, I think I'm here to help them survive until the final game closes things out on Sunday. While I may not have experienced the meat sweats of a churrascaria or the seafood orgy of a moqueca, I did eat cheeseburgers. So many cheeseburgers. And with each cheeseburger I ate, I survived another city, another match, another day. And so will you, my Cup-weary reader.

Step one: sleep in a hotel. Obvious? Maybe. But while a good night's sleep is important, breakfast is critical. And Brazil nails breakfast. In the USA, an included Continental breakfast is a bonus. Something chain hotels throw in to sweeten the pot. But in Brazil, café da manhã is not only included, it's mandatory. At every Brazilian hotel I stayed in, a big, beautiful breakfast buffet was part of the deal, which includes your typical baked goods and fruits, but also a very Brazilian cold cut and cheese spread, eggs, sausage, and juice. Load up here, because the next time you sit down will probably be in your seat at the arena. Don't overlook the sucos, or juices (which are very low in sugar compared to American apple and orange juice) to be sure you're hydrating for a long day in the Brazilian winter (ha) sun. Oh, and don't forget to eat a few pão de queijo, flaky Brazilian cheese-rolls, to load up on carbohydrates. You're going to need the energy.

If you came to Brazil to watch the World Cup, I assume your next stop is directly towards the arena. Good idea. Because while it may seem like you're going there a little early, traffic in Brazil can make an Los Angeles local blush. Plus, YOLO and stuff. So, walk out of your hotel's front door and for the first time in your life, shout for a "tax." Your cabbie won't speak a word of English, so be sure to practice saying "barra próximo do arena" before you get in. He'll know what to do from there.

Once you arrive at your insider-location bar (look at you, drinking where the locals recommend!), you're going to want to belly up to a table and put a finger in the air. If you're in the right place, this will indicate to the surprisingly well-dressed waitstaff that you'd like to begin your "chope" journey. Chopes are seven-ounce draft beers, and it's the only way they come. But you'll soon discover (or remember from yesterday) that the nice thing about a diminutive draft is that by the time your first brew is starting to lose its chill, it's finished, and has been magically replaced by a new one. But to prove to you that it wasn't magic, you'll see a sheet on your table that keeps track of just how many tricks the waitstaff have pulled. Keep an eye on it to make sure you don't disappear from the barstool.

Before you've filled your sheet (don't fill your sheet), and before you go, it's time for a quick bite to carry you through the match. If you're like me, you don't want to wait in line or miss a minute on the field, so nearly everything (except the beer cart) at the stadium isn't really an option for you, diehard soccer fan. To prepare for this fasting, you'll need to ask for an order of "coxinha de frango" with your check. How these things aren't already popular in America is beyond me. They are delicious, deep fried balls of spiced, shredded chicken. They're shaped like giant tears, but believe me, they are tears of joy.

OK, time for the march to the stadium. With your belly full of fried food and beer and your voice at full volume, you're feeling very American. And as such, once you're in the stadium, you need another beer. Don't worry, they're available everywhere. But skip the usual concession stand and head for the guys with the beer carts. And be sure to order two, because unlike in the States, the beer men are smart enough to not venture into the madhouse of the stands. Proceed to watch an amazing display of soccer.

Finally, with another classic match in the books, it's time to head out. Since you've mostly had a liquid dinner, you're probably looking a bit like an animal on the prowl. This is perfect, because we're heading out on a quest for some street meat. Brazilians are known for their hospitality, so of course they already know you need protein. And lined up along your leisurely stroll, you will discover barbecue after barbecue with beautiful skewers of Brazilian meats, known as espetinhos. After a long, hard day of cheering and drinking, nothing quite hits the spot like charred meat on a stick. And like hot dogs in America, it seems like every Brasileiro knows how to perfectly barbecue these protein popsicles. Sprinkle a little "farinha" on them, the crunchy flour they'll have in a shaker, for the approval of your churrasqueiro. Remember to breathe between bites.

From there, let the night take you where it will. It may be a small, local boteco, a large disco, or even your hotel's barzinho. But no matter where your last perfect cerveja or caipirinha is served, know that the answer to your inevitable late-night snack prayers will be the angel of American fast food. The humble American hamburger has been more than embraced by our Brazilian compatriots, dear eaters. As you try to make it to your hotel room, your final four reais traded for the best cheeseburger you've ever had, you can rest assured knowing that you've made the most of this day. You've not only survived, but you've sampled some of the best on-the-run food Brazil has to offer. And if that's not YOLOing, I don't know what is. On second thought, maybe I don't know what YOLOing is.

Teddy Goalsevelt is collecting donations for Gol de Letra, a Brazilian charity that helps at-risk and underprivileged children in São Paulo and Rio. Help him by contributing to his GoFundMe campaign here.