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Food

This Seattle Suburb Is Banning Cheese In the Name of Pro Football

The Washington town of Bainbridge Island took a stand against cheese today in hopes of making a statement about the NFC Championship. But don't worry—Wisconsin retaliated.
Hilary Pollack
Los Angeles, US
Photo via Flickr user KittyKaht

Achilles heel of vegans, best friend of "Mexican" fast-food restaurants, and topper of our deeply beloved pizza, cheese is a bonafide obsession in America.

We each eat, on average, 23 pounds of the stuff a year (a figure that has nearly tripled since 1970), and the Ground Zero of American cheese production—Wisconsin—is smack dab in the middle of our country. (California lingers close behind, but has yet to surpass the Midwestern state.) In 2013, Wisconsin produced nearly 3 billion pounds of cheese, coming from nearly 11,000 different dairy farms and accounting for more than 25 percent of the nation's total. It's official, then: Wisconsin equals cheese.

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Appropriately, Wisconsin chose cheese as its symbolic mascot for sports and industry, rendering it full of "Cheeseheads" both literal and figurative. But while cheese is typically consumed with fervor from coast-to-coast, one Washington town is forbidding it today—in the name of the NFL.

On Friday, the Green Bay Packers will play the Seattle Seahawks for the NFC Championship. And for Seahawks and Packers fans alike, it's on. For the Seattle suburb of Bainbridge Island, the nervous energy and competition has culminated in a cheese ban that prohibits civic employees or guests of City Hall to possess or consume anything of the fromage persuasion on the premises. Even cheese-flavored products are strictly nixed, so make sure to hide that crusty can of Easy Cheese and loose cheese puffs that you keep in your purse.

City manager Douglas Schulze issued an executive order specifying that due to the well-known association between the Packers and the Cheddar that they pack, any cheese brought to the office today would be shredded or grated on site and "disposed of." No word as to whether resourceful Cheeseheads would rescue the shredded cheese and use it to make microwave nachos.

Of note: stoners in other parts of Washington—where recreational marijuana usage was legalized in 2012—will not be afflicted by this clear attack on their favorite foods, such as chalupas and queso-slathered chili fries. The ban is only officially enforced at Bainbridge Island City Hall. And although Bainbridge Island was given clearance for its own marijuana dispensary early last year, it has yet to seen one develop.

In retaliation to the cheese ban, some Wisconsin radio stations are banning Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, and Nirvana from airplay and trying (likely futilely) to discourage Packers fans from patronizing Starbucks, which is also Seattle-based. But this whole scenario leaves many questions unanswered.

Will the Wisconsinian people truly agree to forego their Toffee Mocha White Chocolate Raisin Caramel Cannoli Cheesecake frappuccinos and "Evenflow" in the name of defending their Cheesehead hats, caps, scarves, bras, and ties?

Douglas Schulze could not be reached for comment, and "went home for the day" before West Coast lunchtime (likely due to being inundated by request for comment about his totalitarian decree). Could he be gnawing on a four-cheese frozen pizza in the privacy of his own home right now?

No word on whether we will see similarly Draconian orders placed on Super Bowl parties, potentially devastating Seahawks fan who are planning on cooling their Buffalo wings with blue cheese. Could this render our dip six-layer?