We Planned Your Memorial Day Menu So You Don't Have to

Memorial Day is almost here: the holiday in which you get to kick back and relax thanks to the countless number of brave souls who have fearlessly fought for your right as an American.

It is also the same day that releases cobwebbed charcoal grills from basement imprisonment and demands room-temperature beers to be iced down. This glorious, Patriotic day is the jumpstart to summer grilling and short-shorts season, so don't stand too close to the heat, Nair users.

And with the wee hours between now and the number of Toby Keith songs to kick off the festivities, there's very little time to plan your summer menu. Luckily, we've gone ahead and done the dirty work for you.

When it comes to throwing a backyard BBQ, it's crucial to maintain the golden rule: keep the booze flowing and easily accessible. That's where your self-serve coconut-milk-spiked gin punch—which literally involves dumping and pouring in under five minutes—comes in. The coconut milk gives this cocktail a creamy texture, with a citrusy, floral–and surprisingly not too sweet flavor.

So pour yourself a glass for taste-testing purposes and fire up the grill. Are your eyebrows still present?

If the answer is yes, congratulations. It's now time to proceed to throw the world's best cheeseburgers and Pinoy-style Filipino ribs on the grill. These recipes will satisfy all of your guests, even if Carrot Top is in the mix. And for those wary of stretching their bikini-bods, add this grilled grouper ceviche into the fold, which will even make Javier Wong, the godfather of modern ceviche, show you his tan-line.

When—and it will happen—someone scolds you for grilling too many dead animals in one afternoon, appease then with this grilled avocado in ponzu sauce to the picnic table feast.

Now it's time to kick everyone out, which is pretty easy. Just make this berry-loaded summer pudding, stare at them as they crush it in under a minute, and turn the lights off to your outdoor porch.

God Bless America and your eyebrows for surviving this day.