Apparently Rubbing Your Junk on Other People's Pizza Won't Get You Any Jail Time

It's 3:40 AM and it has been a hard partying night. The homeless man you drunkenly mistook for an anthropomorphic rabbit-slash-subway-conductor stole one of your shoes. Your buddy is incapacitated after getting his Spicoli on with some late-night subway surfing, when all of a sudden, a particularly lascivious pizza slice resting atop a candle-lit garbage can begins to stare at you with its doe-like, pepperoni eyes.

So, what do you do?

Well, mount it like the Barry White of red sauce that you are, of course! I don't know about you, but the rotund ol' dame draws me in like a Sicilian siren. And while many would dispute the merit of my sage advice, one Texas teen would be totally down with the idea of pizza humping.

I'm talking about one Austin Michael Symonds, who copped a plea deal this week in which prosecutors agreed to drop charges against him if he agrees to enter an intervention program.

The charges? Rubbing his balls in someone else's pizza.

Yes, according to the felony complaint, Symonds, an employee at Papa Murphy's—a pizza establishment near San Antonio, Texas—was charged with "knowingly or intentionally tampering with a consumer product." The consumer product was a "family-size stuffed pizza with Canadian bacon, pineapple, and extra cheese."

What did he add to the product that would constitute tampering? "Various bodily fluids and secretions from the defendant's scrotum."

You may never eat pizza again after reading those words. We understand.

The story began as follows. A gentleman named Brent Bradley ordered a pizza from Papa Murphy's and arrived to pick it up just before closing time. Bradley entered the store and Symonds, the pizza employee defendant, was mid-act: balls atop pizza.

Bradley confronted Symonds—but evidently there was no denying the act. Symonds's response? "Man, I am really sorry, that was stupid."

Bradley asked Symonds how old he was, as if that was a relevant question. Symonds replied that he was 18. Bradley then said, "So you are old enough to know better than to put your balls on someone's pizza …"

Ok. Let's stop here. Is there an age when someone is young enough not to know to rub his balls on someone's pizza? Perhaps, but that age is probably a pre-verbal stage, ending instantly upon gaining the ability to utter the phrase: "cheesy, scrotal mesh".

Moving on. Symonds admitted that he was indeed old enough to know that ball scraping pizza is not a good idea. The police were called.

The defendant ball-dropper explained that he was peeved that Bradley's order came in right before closing time. Sounds like a good enough reason to dip one's testicles into hot and cheesy goodness, don't you think?

Symonds went on to admit that if he had not been caught in flagrante, he would have sold Bradley the pizza without a warning to watch out for pubes: "Probably," he said. "That's the terrible part."

Symonds was also asked if he understood that fecal matter could be transferred by scrotum sweat. Yes, the affiant is fully aware of that fact, says the complaint. He also is aware that ingestion of fecal matter can cause bodily injury.

Do I smell the saccharine scent of remorse? Or is that something else I smell?

In any event, the judge seems to think Symonds now deserves a break and is willing to let Symonds go with a veritable slap on the wrist if he attends an intervention program.

Interesting. I've heard of anger management programs and even sex addiction courses. But an intervention class for pizza workers who rest their private parts on the pies? Wow. Good luck with that, Texas.

So, what have we learned today?

• I had a mini-existential crisis after being forced to come to terms with raging attraction to pizza and my countervailing desire not to waste any.

• In the future, it won't be the pizza peel that budding "Papas'" reach for, but their blister caked, rock-hard members.

• I'm not so sure I'll ever be able eat burrata again. Damn you pizza and your animal magnetism!

• After today, we will all remember the felony that gave a whole new meaning to the term "stuffed pizza."