Photos via Gumtree
What is living in London like? Hell. Here’s proof, beyond all doubt, that renting in London is a nightmare.
Where is it? “Tottenham”.
What is there to do locally? I have to admit my experiences of Tottenham have been glancing, terrible. Either I am driving through it to go to IKEA Edmonton on the afternoon of one of the most exhausting days of my life, or I am baffled and lost and fresh off a night bus that took an hour-and-a-half, somehow, desperately trying to find an off license so I can buy a dusty bottle of wine and some cans for a house party that is supposedly happening round here (desperate for a piss, at it), even though there are no vital signs of life here – lights are on but the houses make no noise? There are cars on the roads but they are not moving in a way that seems alive? Squint distantly into the darkness and you realise there is a single old man sitting in the middle of a park on a bench, muttering (laughing?) to himself? Do those houses above the shop have intricate cement facades upon them, or is that just the crystallised formation of years of road smog? Where’s this address? Google Maps led you to this road, cheerfully pretending the post code existed, and now it’s just pulsing infinitely on a white blank page? Are you in Tottenham? Or did you get struck by a lorry and descend into hell?
Alright, how much are they asking? The lower end of the LROTW spectrum: £725 pcm.
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GOLBY’S RAZOR, OR: THE HOUSE-SHARE PRINCIPLE OF SHITHOLERY
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- The photos that it was someone’s job (a human being’s job! A human being took these photos, as part of their job!) to take but, somehow, don’t seem to encompass anything, photos of shelves and sofas and entire portions of rooms but not, actually, with any focus to them, that grey fuzzy “forum user” effect over the top of them, taken on what seems to be a phone camera kept running from 2003.
- The sagging magnolia IKEA sock tidy, hanging from an errant shelf, back from a distant history when Lisa Scott-Lee could command her own show on MTV.
- In-built furniture made from offshoots of wood presumably leftover from the last time someone installed a floor inside a van.
- A curtain over one window, a blind over another; a bit of cloth hanging between the washing machine and the oven, in lieu of an actual cupboard door.
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