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Food

What Will Trump Eat at His Election Night 'Victory Party'?

Why not join us in speculating about this pressing question: What exactly will be served on Tuesday night at Trump’s soiree?
Photo by Stephen Lovekin/WireImage for Hill & Knowlton

Poor, pitiable Trump. Since the City of New York fined him for holding campaign events in the atrium of Trump Tower—his gaudy attempt at shoving a gilded, metaphorical phallus into the very sky itself—Trump has announced that he will be holding his so-called, ahem, "victory" party at the New York Hilton Midtown.

6 days out and the Trump campaign announces their victory party location. pic.twitter.com/mG71oqhLY9

— Katy Tur (@KatyTurNBC) November 3, 2016

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But if you happen to be like us, and the approaching absurdity of November 8 is causing you to have nonsensical fever dreams, why not join us in speculating about this pressing question: What exactly will be served on Tuesday night at Trump's soiree?

READ MORE: I Got Drunk at the Trump Bar in Trump Tower and It Was Predictably Terrible

Will it be a Trump-food-branded extravaganza? Doubtful. Trump steaks are no longer available, as far as anyone can tell, and Trump vodka is defunct. The Trump Winery is no longer part of the Trump Organization, although it is said to be owned by Eric Trump. In fact, the only foodstuff still owned by Trump himself, according to his website, is Trump Water—and we can only imagine that Trump's YUGE party would have far more TREMENDOUS culinary offerings than that.

Sure, Donald likes the "great stuff" at McDonald's, but he's way to classy to serve that at his own party, right? And the Hilton Midtown catering division certainly seems capable of producing plenty of well-done steaks, pseudo-Mexican Caesar salads, and fries—as the candidate is wont to eat. But we prefer to imagine that the food purveyors of midtown will take revenge on Trump and the thousand insults he has flung at, well, everyone. And likeminded folk may find some small solace in knowing that the Hilton Midtown is surrounded by a veritable who's-who's of Trump's countless culinary enemies, thus enabling our political-feud-by-food fantasies.

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Photo via Flickr user erik jaeger

READ MORE: Scenes from the Anti-Trump, Pro-Taco Protest in Las Vegas

Not only do The Halal Guys have a halal cart literally across the street from the hotel, but there's also a Chipotle half a block away. That pretty much takes care of numbers one and two on the cuisines of Trump's most-dissed ethnic groups. There also happens to be a Fogo de Chão Brazilian Steakhouse on the way over to the Hilton Midtown from Trump Tower—and we're hoping that just passing the spot will be enough to remind Trump of the new criminal investigation in Brazil regarding a luxury Rio de Janeiro hotel which is part of the Trump franchise. Talk about Trump's culinary equivalent of the Axis of Evil!

And we have to believe that the presence of Le Bernardin a mere block away from the Hilton will piss Trump off as well—if only thanks to the pure Buddhist vibes continually emanating from the top of Eric Ripert's brilliant head.

Oh, well. The food will probably suck because we all know that Donald has more important things on his mind, like dismantling the nation's food safety laws and dissolving along with the FDA. In any event, Trump's people say he will keep the party small because he is "superstitious" and doesn't want to jinx things.

Maybe, instead, he knows something—like, it won't be a victory party at all?

One can only hope.