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Food

These "Anti-Aging" Sandwiches Are Infuriating

A sandwich isn’t going to fight your wrinkles, no matter how many sweet potatoes you add.
Composite image; original via bfreefoods' Instagram

My introduction to health and fitness guru Julie Montagu was a series of high-contrast color photos of her smiling broadly and holding a sandwich with both hands. She is apparently something of a celebrity in the UK, having starred in several seasons of a reality show while encouraging the English to participate in something called “the world’s first mindfulness triathlon.” When a tabloid previewed her upcoming “Sandwich Spa”—more on that in a sec —and called her “The Future Countess of Sandwich,” I thought it was just because, um, she likes sandwiches. BUT NO, HOLY SHIT, IT’S BECAUSE SHE’S MARRIED TO THE FUTURE EARL OF SANDWICH, WHO IS A REAL PERSON.

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So yeah, she and her stylized sandwich-holding technique are hosting a three-day Sandwich Spa in London, a pop-up deli that pairs its sandwiches “with complementary wellness and beauty treatments.” And the only thing even more depressing than the realization that people will be lining up to eat an “anti-aging wrap” called The Roll Back the Clock is that the event is COMPLETELY SOLD OUT.

No, wait, the most depressing part is that something called a Sandwich Spa has four menu items and only one of them could be categorized as a sandwich; the “Mindfulness Bites” open-faced salmon-and-avocado combination is sort of a sandwich, but the other three—including the anti-aging thing—are wraps, and wraps are not sandwiches. (Clearly, being the Countess of Sandwich has nothing to do with adhering to the international rules of sandwiches).

The “anti-aging” (please read those quotes with as much sarcasm as your internal voice allows) Roll Back the Clock wrap claims that its assorted ingredients—including amaranth, sweet potatoes, and better-than-Botox Romaine lettuce—can combat wrinkles, “help slow the aging process,” and inhibit the breakdown of collagen. I feel like these claims have not been evaluated by Britain’s version of the FDA, and also they don’t account for the deep wrinkles I just cultivated while scowling at a photo of this thing. (Here’s the recipe in case you want to make it at home for someone you hate).

“We are bombarded, day in and day out, with the message that young is in, and old is ugly; that your worth is less with every second that ticks by, and if you’re not doing something to stop the sands of time then you’re doing something wrong,” Rosy Edwards writes in the Metro, and it’s hard to argue with her.

A sandwich isn’t going to fight your wrinkles, no matter how many sweet potatoes you add. And it’s sadly telling that women have been so conditioned to believe things like this—or to want them—that they’d gather in a London shopping mall for the chance to get their hands on one. “It’s insulting,” Edwards says.

John Montagu, the fourth Earl of Sandwich, is the dude who is credited with inventing the sandwich, and the very first one was one slice of salt beef between two pieces of toast. If his heir-in-law keeps pushing these anti-aging, non-sandwich sandwiches, I hope he comes back to haunt the shit out of her.