The Exquisite Mess of Being a 20-Something, in Photos

This article originally appeared on VICE Netherlands.

Flo is studying photography at the Willem de Kooning Academy in Rotterdam. For the past six years, they’ve been capturing all these themes in self-portraits, focusing on – among other things – their non-binary identity, the therapeutic value of artistic expression and how they take care of themselves in solitude. We spoke to them about their work and inspiration.

VICE: Your work is all self portraits. Why?
Flo: When I have a camera in my hands and I set it up in front of me, I can't help but be honest. I shoot analog, too, so all the photos that come out of the process reflect reality.

I grew up as an only child, and I was quite good at entertaining myself and getting lost in my own dream world. I was always reserved, and I noticed people often got the impression that I didn't really think things through. Photography is a way to capture myself and document how I experience the world and the people around me. It’s become a means of expression and, at the same time, a mirror.

I’ve noticed an evolution of your self-image in your work. Can you tell me more about that?
A few years ago, a photographer asked me to be part of his series about non-binary people. He also liked analog photos, so I thought, ‘Great!’

The shoot itself went quite smoothly, but I noticed that, as a cis-het man, he had a certain idea of what it means to be non-binary. For him, non-binary people had to look a certain way. During the shoot, he asked me if I planned to remove my breasts, if my partner minded that I'm non-binary, and when I was going to start transitioning – things that, for me, aren’t necessarily related to the non-binary identity.

In the end, he sent me a print by mail and it was a beautiful photo in itself, but I looked so somber. He’d photographed me in bed, after completely emptying my room, removing my photos from the wall and putting white sheets on my bed. When I saw the photo, it felt like I’d been stripped of everything that made me me. The only thing left was that I was non-binary. In response to that, I created my own series.

How did you do that?
First, I took photos of myself in the same pose, with the same light, but in different outfits that express my personality – with my busy duvet and photos on the wall. I also took photos with my partner, Lee, who I was going through a somewhat challenging period with.

These pictures feel so much more about you.
Yes, exactly. I thought at the time that the photographer photographed people just because of their androgyny. But what do androgynous people look like then?

For a long time, I pursued that image myself. I was very concerned with how my gender identity came across to other people. But now, I've let go of that. Gender identity and self-expression are still very important to me, but I feel much more comfortable with who I am now. I went to the exhibition of this work in heels and a suit.

Can you tell me more about your series (Re)visiting?
At that time, I was going through intense heartbreak over Lee. I was genuinely in love for the first time, and the breakup was hard. We didn't see each other for three months, so I created a photo series about it.

(Re)visiting consists of three chapters. In the first chapter, I photographed myself in places we often went together. I wondered who I was as a person now, without Lee, in those places. In the second chapter, I photographed various objects that remind me of them, including our love letters. And in the third chapter, I photographed myself in places we would’ve gone together. That project taught me a lot about what I want to do with my photos.

In what way?
It was the first time I dared to be so vulnerable. I had to show this work at school – I projected the photos as slides accompanied by music. Of the 20 people I invited, five walked away crying. That's when I realised that being honest about your own feelings can touch other people, too. The more honest you are, the closer you’ll get to others. It felt therapeutic to expose myself in this way.

Lee and I are back together now, which is why I created the series (Re)union. We spent five weeks together in the middle of nowhere in Sardinia, where their mother originally comes from. It was our first vacation together. I took these photos in the last three days of the trip, but I don't know if I'm really satisfied. I love Lee, our relationship is so special, so it's important to me that I do justice to them with these photos.

Are there downsides to being so personal in your work?
Yes, it’s often a bit painful – sadness inspires me a lot. My latest work, At Home With Myself, is a project about self-care. I always feel like I should take better care of myself, and I actively work on it every day. But this also creates immense pressure. With these photos, I wanted to explore how I can redefine self-care. For example, I love spending an entire day doing nothing and watching random documentaries on YouTube – that, for me, can be rejuvenating.

Relatable.
I don't want to feel guilty about the fact that sometimes, I just want to do nothing. That's one of the ways for me to process old trauma. I had a good upbringing, but both my parents went through a lot, and that left its marks on me, too. With my photo series, I want to show that processing trauma and self-care can also look like this.

Not so glamorous?
Exactly. I want to show that being very sad and messy sometimes helps. I was quite lonely when I took this photo [It's My Party And I'll Pie if I Want to]. I was only really close with my partner and roommate. I actually took it together with them on my birthday.

In another photo, I'm surrounded by my stuffed animals. Someone once said that it's a real red flag if someone in their 20s still sleeps with stuffed animals. But they’re sacred to me – they heal my inner child.

In another photo, I portrayed myself as a messy housewife. I wasn’t going to school much at that time – I’d wake up around noon every day, do some cleaning, and cook for my partner. I actually loved that, it allowed me to reset my life for a while. 

These are all forms of self-care for me. I was very gentle with myself, and it really helped.

Scroll down to see more photos: