How to Eat in Brooklyn

If you don't eat, you don't shit, and if you don't shit, you die. And if you die who knows what'll happen? Some say you'll come back again but in a different incarnation, like the form of a fish or a chicken. Others think that when you die you just die, lights out, the end. Then there's this other group of people who believe you go to a place called "heaven" and spend eternity just being happy, which sounds very unlikely, if you ask me.

You may as well just pretend you're in heaven already and eat a bunch of stuff!

Here's some great places in Brooklyn where you can fully nosh yourself to nirvana.

Dressler 149 Broadway, Williamsburg I had one of the most enjoyable and thoroughly transcendent meals of my entire life at Dressler. Last year I was lucky enough to sit down with a friend's father, I'll call him Bob, who has a comprehensive understanding of wine and its pairings with food. I was also fortunate that Dressler has such a fantastic wine list, and, of course, such an excellent menu, that Bob was able to take mouth and stomach on a deeply spiritual journey. That may sound heavy and gay but it's the truth.

I wish I could remember exactly what I had so you could enjoy the same, but unfortunately my eyes were rolled right back into my head, rendering me blind for the duration of my meal. I'm pretty sure I had day boat Chatham cod and pan-roasted diver scallops, but I can't be sure.

DuMont Burger 314 Bedford Ave., Williamsburg Best burger along the Eastern Seaboard. That's what they say and I heartily concur. It's pretty damn good. Not "erection good," but not many foods are anyway, unless, of course, you are a dog. In which case get on down to DuMont Burger and crack a horn, you filthy mutt.

The fresh-fish sandwich is so good you'll want to smear it all over your bare chest, and if you've ever dreamed of tea-bagging a mac 'n' cheese, do it here. It's scrumptious-um-diddly-umptious! I urge you to wash it all down with one of their "dreamy" milkshakes.

Diner 85 Broadway, Williamsburg Diner has been around for ages, ten years at least, and it's been consistently excellent the whole time. I love this place so much. The main draw for me is the interior, which makes me feel like I'm on a train, and I like trains. The service here is tremendous and is only outshone by the superb quality of the fare, which is then eclipsed by the more than reasonable price. Yesterday I had the halibut with creamy millet and ratatouille with a nice bottle of Vouvray. Then I went outside, hailed a cab, and went home to watch The Elephant Man. True!

Madiba 195 DeKalb Ave., Fort Greene If you're a South African expat living in New York you'll more than likely know and love Madiba. Why? Because it's like a little chunk of Cape Town dropped in the middle of Fort Greene! I used to feel a little ill at ease around South Africans because of Lethal Weapon 2 (diplomatic immunity), but after dining at Madiba I feel much better. They're really nice people and their national cuisine is as tasty as it is insane! Where else in the world can you eat something called chakalaka, bobotie, or Durban bunny chow? That's bananas!

They also have a general store selling imported South African goods and live music.

Alma 187 Columbia St., Red Hook Three words: rooftop, rooftop, rooftop. Nothing beats a good rooftop restaurant, especially if it's Mexican. You could serve me up a burned flip-flop in a stale taco and I'd be OK with it, so long as I was eating it on a rooftop. Fortunately the food at Alma is as good as the view, and the price tag ain't so bad either. I recommend getting there before five and watching the sun set over Manhattan while gorging yourself on tamales del dia, Anaheim chile relleno, and their kick-ass guacamole. They also have a wide selection of tequilas if you feel like getting ugly. Nice.

Jake's Barbeque Restaurant 189 Columbia St., Red Hook There's nothing like that smacked-out feeling you get after consuming an enormous amount of meat, is there? I like to lean back, loosen my belt, and openly fart at the end of a good beefy feast, and there's no better place to do just that than Jake's Barbeque Restaurant in Red Hook. First what you wanna do is get yourself a whole bunch of corn on the cob, then follow that with some catfish nuggets and some of Jake's lip-smackin' cheddar-chili nachos. Then order up a big ol' KC BBQ sampler and a 16 oz. shell steak, medium rare. Now drink some beer. Mmm-mmm. Feels good, don't it? Parp!

Flatbush Farm 76 St Marks Ave., Flatbush This joint is awesome. They're into the whole seasonal, local, organic thing, which means you feel good when your belly's full (ask your grandparents, they'll know what I'm talking about). I ate here with some friends recently and it was really good. Unfortunately, the friends were female, so we had to get "some different plates to share." I'm so not down for the share. I want my food on my plate going into my mouth, and, goddamn it, I will order the same dish as you if I want! We don't have to order different stuff! You're not getting any of mine anyway! Stop trying to make me taste your food! I'm happy with what I have! No! NO! Leave me alone!

Walter Foods 253 Grand St., Williamsburg Walter Foods is owned by my old buddy from Barrio Chino, Dylan Dodd, so I'll try to keep this as unbiased as possible.

Walter Foods is the greatest restaurant in the entire history of the whole fucking world. Eating at Walter Foods on a regular basis will make you live longer, look younger, and cure any cancers you might have festering about your person.

I recommend that you grab a spot at the bar and suck down some oysters with a couple of Singapore slings, and then follow with the gourmet surf 'n' turf: peppercorn filet mignon and lobster. How good does that sound? Pretty good, right? You better believe it.

Seriously. It's good.

Vinegar Hill House 72 Hudson Ave., Vinegar Hill This spot is a little off the beaten track but it's worth the trek. It's a mom-and-pop deal (Mom's in the kitchen, Pop's out the front) and it has the whole frontier-Americana-type thing that seems to be all the rage these days. They do it kinda different, though. It's somehow better, but I can't quite explain. They have a wood-fired oven and a seasonal menu that changes week to week depending on what the poacher has in his hump. The oven-roasted octopus is absolutely insane (if it's available), as is the chicken-liver mousse. VHH is an ideal place to take a date, or visiting relatives, or even just yourself and a dog-eared copy of V.C. Andrews's Flowers in the Attic.

Prime Meats 465 Court St., Carroll Gardens Another insta-rustic-style joint, but don't let that put you off, it's done really well.

You feel like you're entering a pre-Prohibition barroom: dark timber, scrubbed floorboards, pressed-tin ceiling, that sort of thing. Prime Meats is owned by the same guys that do Frankies Spuntino, so expect to be well fed. The menu is focused on local produce and meats, lots of meats, and has a distinct central-European-type vibe. They've also got a bunch of ye olde cocktails: Manhattans, old-fashioneds, something with absinthe, etc. PM is a great place to carouse, confabulate, and maybe even get into a bit of fisticuffs.

La Superior 295 Berry St., Williamsburg

Photo: Cary Whittier

La Superior is arguably the best Mexican restaurant on the East Coast. Their guacamole is green super-crack that makes you not want to share, and if you're like me and you already dislike sharing—it gets ugly. The tacos are so good that before eating them I have to tape up my head because I'm afraid it will explode from yummy. Try the camarón al chipotle tacos and the rajas. Absolutely unbeatable. They do a few interesting traditional dishes here too, including a sesadilla pork-brain quesadilla, which may sound gnarly but is utterly off-the-planet delicious. You can't choose the wrong thing at La Superior, it's all excellent, and it's all really cheap, like 1993 cheap. If you visit La Superior and don't fall in love with the place, then… I don't know, maybe you're not capable of loving at all. Sorry.

Hope & Anchor 347 Van Brunt St., Red Hook Hope & Anchor is THE spot to recoup after a typically maddening trip to Ikea.

Burgers, hash, meat loaf, pierogi, samosas, mac 'n' cheese, clam cakes, moussaka, dinery stuff, and stuff that makes you sweat under the eyes in a good way. You can get breakfast here any time of the day or night, which is good news for all you breakfast enjoyers, and they have karaoke Thursday and Saturday nights! Put me down for "Sweet Caroline," "In the Ghetto," and the buttermilk pancakes. They also have lots of tasty alcohol, so perhaps it's a good place to drop in before Ikea too.

Dumbo General Store 111 Front St., Dumbo Dumbo General Store opened its doors to the public (filthy bedraggled artist community living under a bridge) way back in 2001. Since then, scores of rich people have moved in and made the neighborhood much, much nicer, thank you very much, and DGS has continued to vend great coffee and "the best panini in town." They also do a bunch of healthy-ass salads and breakfasts that must be eaten to be believed. Despite the influx of affluent monocle-wearing types over the last eight years, Dumbo General Store has maintained its affordable-for-feckless-bums price tag and managed to, as they say in the biz, keep it real.

Brooklyn Fish Camp 162 5th Ave., Park Slope Is there anything better than the sound of fresh oysters being shucked? Sure there is. A sick Saint Bernard's fart sounds better than the harsh scrape of a bivalve being ripped from his little shell, but it's not nearly as delicious. Brooklyn Fish Camp is delicious, supernaturally delicious. And if you like seafood, I recommend you get down there and eat things. Their clam chowder is insanely scrumptious, as are their grilled French sardines. Skate wings are pan-seared to perfection, and I'm pretty sure they have some chips floating around too. Make sure you get a beer and some oysters, though, you'll be glad you did.