An Idiot's Guide to New Zealand's Political Parties

Democracy can be exhausting. We are more than a month out from the national election, and the race has already more twists and turns than the Waikato River. The Greens were soaring high, until they suddenly weren't. The abrupt change of Labour leader frayed the emotions of all seven people still invested in Andrew Little's leadership. National continues to plod along the top of these torrents of political change, helmed by Bill English, whose personality is about as interesting as his party's slogan: "Delivering for New Zealanders". A host of minor parties aims subsist on whatever oxygen isn't gulped by the big political fish upstream.

VICE is here to help you navigate the wilderness of empty rhetoric, undeliverable promises, bitter insults, and dodgy deals that is the basis of our robust democracy. Below is our guide to all the political parties slugging it out for your vote on September 23.

These folks are talking the loudest about free trade and the need to increase government support to our primary industries as the key to New Zealand's future. Social-welfare policies include a focus on increasing police, protection orders, "Warm Up New Zealand" to improve heating in state house, and offering "Home Start" grants of up to $20,000 for first-time home buyers. Oddly, their website does not always include the policy releases discussed in the media, which gives the impression that National think they have this election in the bag.

This party deserves an A+ for the information overload that is its website. The policies are earnestly detailed and try to prove their numbers add up with detailed tables itemising their proposed spending, which unfortunately doesn't make the message much clearer. They take a strong stance on not implementing National's tax cuts and instead will ban foreign property speculation, and tax anyone reselling a property for profit within five years. They plan to introduce welfare for families with children (by increasing tax credits), raise the minimum wage to $16.50, and introduce three years of free tertiary education. In a nod to baby-boomers, Labour also refuses to raise the Superannuation age. The party is trying to claim back the middle ground as its own.

These guys are your welfare party. Their headline policy is a 20 percent increase in benefits across the board, and a minimum wage that is 66 percent of the average wage. The Greens want government to invest $100 million into KiwiBank, and for Housing NZ to build $207 million in new homes. They have a "First Home Student Loan Diversion Bill" in the works that would allow those of us with student debt to defer repayments in order to save for a first home. They want to legalise marijuana, pass an equal pay law, increase the refugee quota, bring Te Reo into schools, and introduce a raft of environment protection measures. It is not always clear how this is affordable, especially given the joint commitment with Labour not to raise government expenditure above 30 percent of GDP. Their website is clearly UXD-driven. If you don't need to Google that, this could be the party for you.

These guys have some absolute doozies. The policies are ramblingly comprehensive, repetitive in areas, and show that at least someone is listening to the minutiae of the country's public gripes. For example: they are sure the economic solution is to make New Zealand the race-horse capital of the world. They want to raise the drinking age to 20 years, criminalise binge-drinking, and address "public concern" about sex and violence on TV and in video games. They want life sentences to mean life, an end to the sale of state assets, an increase in the minimum wage to $17, and GMO food labelling. They will not raise the Superannuation age, and they have an impressive raft of welfare policies for the elderly. This is the party for your grandparents and anyone else who wants you to stop partying.

True to their name, there are a bunch of Māori-focused policies such as compulsory Te Reo classes in schools, although most of the information currently on the website was issued for the last election. They propose devolving housing to community management via rent-to-own programmes, and developing food security through community collectives.

These guys have a defined shortlist of policies to bring into a coalition with National—they are like the ruling party's smaller cousin, but they come with a side of extra neoliberal. They want to reduce the highest tax rate from 33 to 25 percent. They love free trade and Five Eyes government surveillance collaboration. People who have children while on a benefit will be subject to "income management". Sole Parent Support will be capped at five years. This is the party for those who are very, very rich.

This is another party, which, as befits its history, seems intended only for coalition. Many of their policies are focused on the environment, such as introducing a water-export policy, a public commission examining the use of 1080, and subsidising household pest traps. They want to double the refugee quota and help 10,000 families into new homes as part of their rent-to-own policy. If you don't live in Ohariu, you may never have heard of them.

Mana's website also has information from the last election, but they give the Greens a run for their money on the social-welfare proposals, including raising the minimum wage to $18.80, building 10,000 homes for low-income whanau, abolishing child poverty, abolishing GST, abolishing cigarettes unless on prescription, abolishing prescription charges, abolishing advertising on alcohol and unhealthy foods, abolishing pokie machines, abolishing National Standards, and abolishing tax on the first $27,000. Pacific overstayers would get full immigration amnesty. There will be full employment. If you lean so far left that you're at an obtuse angle, this party is for you.

As it says on the tin, the Internet Party is all about your digital rights—plus free meals in schools, free uni, a universal student allowance, loan forgiveness for students, and abolishing National Standards. The Internet Party does not immediately advocate exiting the Five Eyes arrangement, but it does have a particular focus on repealing copyright laws that punish geo-blocking evasion, and introducing a "fair use" legal defence, plus strengthening "safe harbour" provisions. They propose New Zealand become a world-leader in digital innovation, with $1 billion invested through "Ideas Grants" to make New Zealand the world's leading start-up incubator. If you know how to code, these policies should get you clicking.

There's clearly money behind this one—you can tell because they're the only ones with YouTube explainers per policy clearly prepped for shares, with matching pretty icons and slick branding. This party has a small set of clear policies, except when it comes to tax. They will set a minimum rate of return (what are the rates?) on all assets (what's the rate per asset?), and tax will be applied above that rate of return (which will be how much?). The devil, evidently, will be in the details. They aim to replace welfare with a Universal Basic Income, will introduce medicinal marijuana, a constitution, and make all rivers swimmable. I didn't see anything about killing cats.

United Future has this party scooped.

The hint is in the name.

This is the "party by immigrants, for immigrants".

Their comprehensive list of policies will give you a masterclass on neoliberalism.

The comprehensive list of policies will give you a master-class on anti-neoliberalism.

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