How to Stay In is a series about redefining "normal" life in order to take care of ourselves and one another during the COVID-19 pandemic.
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Being comfortable being alone is really hard—especially in these circumstances—but it’s also a skill you can cultivate (even in these circumstances). If you’re social distancing alone right now and hating it, here are some ways to navigate the biggest challenges, and some tips to keep in mind over the coming weeks.There’s definitely overlap between these three concepts, but they have different solutions, and it’s helpful to know what you’re working with.Being alone, generally speaking, means being physically by yourself. (If you live with a roommate who you’re not really friends with, or you are dating someone but they aren’t nearby, you may feel like you are functionally alone right now, and might also find this article helpful.)Loneliness is a feeling that can set in regardless of how alone you are. It often feels like not really being known: not having anyone to talk to in your city, at your new job, from your couch in quarantine, and/or not having a deep-shallow person who you can be totally yourself with and talk to about every little mundane detail of your day. Humans ultimately need some social connection to feel good and right—even humans who are comfortable with a lot of alone time—so it’s important to be proactive in addressing any loneliness you’re feeling right now.Solitude is what Lead Yourself First authors Raymond Kethledge and Michael Erwin define as “a subjective state of mind in which the mind, isolated from input from other minds, works through a problem on its own.” Solitude is about being truly alone with your thoughts—so, not being on your phone or in conversation with other people, not texting or tweeting constantly, not even watching TV or reading a book.
Make a distinction being alone, loneliness, and solitude.
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The capacity for solitude is naturally inhibited by loneliness, which is why it’s important to think about both right now. The good news is that solitude is a buildable skill. So if you dread being physically alone (or not having your phone on you), or worry that not having a relationship or a friend group says something about you or your overall worth, solitude might be the thing to get “good” at. (More on how to do this in a bit.)It can be hard to be vulnerable with other people, but if there was ever a time… it's this moment, when we’re literally all vulnerable. You’re definitely not the only person who's figuring out how to be away from others right now, and telling people that can be a huge relief, make it possible for them to step in and show up for you, and demonstrate to those you care about that they're allowed and encouraged to talk about these things if they're feeling them, too.You might be surprised by how many people will be more responsive to a clear expression of a feeling versus you trying to “show” that you’re lonely in indirect ways (“I’m so bored lmao haven’t talked to anyone in days”). So often, our needs aren't nearly as obvious as we think they are; if you haven’t used the word “lonely” yet, make a point to do that ASAP.You might be tempted to spend a lot of time on social media, where, theoretically, there are always people to “talk to.” But passively receiving updates and interacting in small snippets with loose acquaintances takes time and energy that might be better spent deepening more established relationships (even relatively new ones). Part of building the solitude skill is learning to deal more directly with loneliness, so you can create space for yourself to comfortably be alone, in actual solitude.
If you’re feeling lonely, tell people that.
When it comes to communication, prioritize quality over quantity.
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Instead of logging onto Facebook or sending a mass text every time you feel lonely, think about the two or five or 10 people who really matter to you, and make it a priority to connect with them via a phone call, FaceTime, or Zoom happy hour in the coming weeks. These conversations can be short and don’t have to be deep or serious to be “meaningful.” Joking around and shooting the shit with your co-worker pals can go a long way. (And if you still have time for social media conversations after this, great!)It’s also worth considering how creating content—status updates, IG stories, tweets, texts—can stand in the way of feeling OK with solitude. The more you post, the more responses you’re going to get… which is going to lead to spending more time on apps overall. You’re not really alone with your thoughts, observations, and experiences—aka, experiencing solitude—when you’re posting, so pausing your output for an hour or a half-day can be another effective way to practice feeling chill with being on your own.So often, discomfort with solitude is rooted in not really liking yourself all that much, and in the fear that your aloneness says something about your worth. But not having a partner (or a strong social network, or a reliable family) doesn’t mean you’re broken, fucked up, or unloveable. Now—more than ever—is the time to keep reminding yourself of that.The way to deal with these dark thoughts is not to try to tune them out entirely, or to attempt to quiet them through outside approval. Instead, work on figuring out who you are, and on believing, on a deep level, that you are good and whole and worthy. Getting to that point and learning to enjoy your own company probably won’t happen overnight, but you can take small steps.
Put self-criticism on hold.
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Start by being soft with yourself as much as you can; when negative or critical thoughts pop up, acknowledge their existence… but don’t follow them down a rabbit hole. Take a little time to do something corny (but effective! I’m sorry!!!) like making a list of your values, interests, priorities, best qualities, and/or recent successes, even if they’re small.There’s no way around it: Getting comfortable being alone takes practice. I’ve found that it’s helpful to be proactive about it; making a conscious choice to be alone with your thoughts for a set period of time (with a set end time) and taking baby steps feels way less overwhelming than having it suddenly foisted upon you because none of your friends are responding to your texts.I can’t tell you what your solitude practice should look like, but I can tell you one thing that has been helpful for me whenever I’m avoiding myself: putting my phone in airplane mode, setting a timer for an hour, and reading a book. (I know I said above reading a book doesn’t count as full solitude, and while it’s still technically receiving an input, I find it’s better to start with something that feels fairly doable and will give me a lot of bang for my buck instead of chasing the perfection of complete and utter solitude and immediately giving up because I went too hard.)I knew how easily I could get distracted while reading, so I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t pause to look up a definition or reference online (and then start responding to texts without even realizing it). It was just me and my book for a whole-ass 60 minutes. The hour always flies by, and the practice has had a really positive impact on my life—not only did I read more, but my brain no longer felt like it was on fire. With each session, I felt like I was strengthening my being-alone muscles.
Intentionally opt into solitude.
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Pick up a few meditative habits or hobbies.
Put together a list of purposeful things to do by yourself when you get bored.
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Come up with a self-care accountability system.
Ask someone to check in on you.
Keep an eye on how much you’re drinking.
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If you’re worried about what you’ll do if you get sick, come up with a plan.
- Locate the closest hospital and write down the emergency room phone number. (If possible, figure out where the entrance to the emergency room is. If you can’t tell, make a note next to the ER phone number to ask, should you need to call/go in.)
- Figure out how you’d get there if you needed to. Would someone be able to drive you?
- If you have health care, is your insurance card in your wallet? (If you don’t have the physical card, at least write the member number, group number, and other details on a piece of paper and put that in your wallet. Many insurance companies also offer a digital copy of your card on their online portals that healthcare workers can use, if you screenshot it on your phone.)
- Who are your emergency contacts? Who is someone local (a neighbor, a landlord, a co-worker pal) who should have your emergency contact’s information (and vice versa)?
- Do you have a pet that would need tending to if you were hospitalized? Who would look after it? How will they get your key?