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I don't have the authority to declare this "the worst proposal ever", because I haven't put enough horsepower into really watching enough proposal videos, because I think proposal videos are possibly the worst thing humanity has ever created, right up there with tear gas and bombs. Like, as soon as some dude gets an umbrella out and starts spinning it in sync with 20 of his mates, or starts lip syncing to Bruno Mars, then I go cold and my muscle memory twitches and I hit Ctrl + W and somehow wake up a few hours later from a fugue state, gripping a knife, and I appear to have carved "LOVE IS A FAKE IDEA" into my own thighs, and so for obvious reasons it's tricky for me to make it all the way through a single viral proposal vid. But I would say this is definitely up there with the worst proposals ever, which, predictably, actually makes it one of the best.Consider: can love truly bloom and blossom from a seed planted on the laminate flooring stage of The Jeremy Kyle Show? Will the wedding photos be her holding a The Jeremy Kyle Show lie detector test card over her face? Why can Jeremy not come to the wedding, but Graham can? Can you imagine being the dude in this proposal set-up?
I am imagining being the dude in this proposal set-up, and it's making me deeply unhappy. I am wearing a lot of un-ironed clothes. I am being accused on television of shagging someone at a funfair. My fiancé hates me, despite my telling the truth. And there, in my warm little pocket, a treasured secret: an engagement ring. I am going to propose on stage at The Jeremy Kyle Show. I think this is a good idea. Here's me, at the exact moment my fiancé runs away from me. This is the best moment of my life.On NOISEY: Kendrick Lamar Just Released a New Album, 'untitled unmastered.'
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But there is truth in this proposal. Often people get married as the inevitable endgame in a romantic war of attrition, an "ah, you're the best I'm going to do" admission, an "eh, it's been three years now, shall we have a party about it" kind of love. In the modern rules of engagement, it's rare people commit during that first flush of love, the fancy underwear stage, the fuck-like-animals bit: instead, you propose after sitting on the same sofa together for 200 consecutive days, consulting the TV guide for what to watch next, eating chocolate digestives off a little china plate.On MUNCHIES: Make the Spicy Scallop Dish that Dazzled Action Bronson in Miami
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