Photo via Wikicommons
Welcome to Worst Hot Take of the Week – a column in which @MULLET_FAN_NEO crowns the wildest hot take of the week.
Reasonable Take: I fucking hate the Tories.
Brain rot: Sue – a member of the British public who had complaints about this image looking a lot like sponsored advertising – will rue the day she logged on.
This week, in hell, Yorkshire Tea took to Twitter to decry complain that the brand had been falsely accused of sponsoring a tweet from the Chancellor of the Exchequer, Rishi Sunak.
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As is always the case whenever there's a performative viral takedown by a brand, other corporate PR piranhas were ravenously awaiting the chum of Sue's deceased virtual corpse as the "epic" one-liner was celebrated on social media. PG Tips tweeted its "solidaritea" to Yorkshire Tea, saying "DM me if you fancy a cuppa. From one social media manager to another #cuppastogether", and many other multimillion firms pitifully attempted to crowbar a reference into the #YorkshireTeaGate action.But the most painful attempt to inject some self-relevance to the story was made by West Yorkshire Police, who tweeted: "Just to confirm, shouting at tea is not a crime, but drinking Lancashire tea over Yorkshire tea is a bit of a grey area. #SueYoureShoutingAtTea #WereAllHuman #BeKind", when arguably in a sane, non-capitalist claptrap society they’d be investigating the vitriol aimed at Sue following the Twitter pile-on and not contributing to it.I distinctly remember the germination process of brands acting like "one of the lads". During the summer of 2015 I innocuously tweeted that I "JUST HAD SOME TOBLERONE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN AGES AND IT WAS FUCKING CLASS". Suddenly, the official Toblerone account appeared in my menshies, responding: "OF COURSE IT WAS! TOBLERONE IS THE BIZ. (Sorry, why are we shouting?)"Instantly, I knew I hated this paltry encounter. Why the fuck was a confectionery brand under the umbrella of a billion-dollar firm trying to engage in desperate patter with me? I responded by tweeting: "SHUT UP YOU TRIANGLE CUNT. I'LL EAT YOU BUT DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE TELL ME HOW TO SPEAK ON HERE," which promptly got me blocked.
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I feel we all need to revert to these halcyon days, when our only interactions with companies were to scold them for their "shit service" or to call them "robbing cunts". We have to stop sending hand clap emojis to conglomerates because of their benign, low-level "I'm human, like you, my friend!" workplace banter before our timelines solely consist of a deluge of unflushable, swirling "corporate clap back" turds and videos of psychopaths making a fusion pizza out of Oreo's and lasagne.We are in the Year of Our Lord 2020. We really shouldn’t be offering acclaim to corporations who are just attempting to capitalise on this profitable promotion. They certainly aren’t our mates, and they are more than happy to e-crucify your well-meaning mother who is angry about Tory austerity if it provides them even a slither of free marketing.