Everything bagels are clearly the tastiest bagel option, but which toppings are the best? I'm referring to the things baked into the bagel that make it an everything bagel, not condiments like cream cheese. Can you rank them please?
- Coarse salt hunks. This is a pretty lame first choice but if I’m thinking deeply about everything bagels—and why wouldn’t I?—I understand, intrinsically, that I love them because they’re salty as shit. I know I could just order a salt bagel to get that fix, but salt alone feels actively unhealthy, like I’m deliberately trying to get my blood pressure up to Instapot levels. I need the other shit in there to pretend that I’m not just in it for the hypertension.
- Onion pieces. These are usually burnt to a fucking crisp. Just how I like ‘em. Other times, I have dug into the bag and hit a tiny piece of WET onion that then immediately clung to my hand and didn’t wash off for a solid two days. Mmmm… sticky weird onion things.
- Sesame seeds. I also love everything bagels because they are a texture party. A good deli knows to load up the seasoning cannon and blast the shit out of every last everything bagel they got. I wanna feel like I’m biting into a packet of sand. Sesame seeds do that job the best.
- Garlic bits. Honestly, I get them confused with the onion bits. But they’re still good of their own accord. All you gotta do is bite into one little garlic nugget and your skin will reek for the next month. Again, this pleases me. If I smell, then no one will come up to me and interrupt my little bagel moment.
- Poppy seeds. Whatever. This is true: I had to look up photos of everything bagels for this post, just to make sure they were part of the mix.
Thomas:
Drastically? No. If Trump legalized weed at the federal level (almost certainly because Melania told him that another mom at Barron’s school smelled weed coming from the boys' room), haters like me would just hand it to him for roughly five seconds before reverting directly back to wanting him launched into Saturn’s ring belt. Legal weed isn’t worth all of his other bullshit.We’re already moving toward mass legalization at some point anyway. California made it outright legal while Trump was in office. It’s an even nicer place to visit these days. Other states, like Washington and Colorado, have essentially ignored the antiquated federal laws that designated marijuana as a Class I schedule narcotic, rendering it "illegal" still across all 50 states. The only place where that conflict makes things awkward is right here in DC, where weed is "legal" but brick-and-mortar and pop-up dispensaries still get busted by overly zealous, dickhead cops … essentially forcing the industry into being delivery-only.Would Donald Trump federally legalizing marijuana do enough to drastically sway public opinion of him for the good? Maybe enough for say, reelection?
If Big Auto doesn’t want us to drive a vehicle like they do in their commercials, why advertise that the car is capable of it at all? I find myself getting more annoyed at this lately. My wife says I’m just getting’ old and should shut the hell up already.
Well, the "good" news for you is that the Vibes are currently slated to be axed as part of MLB’s proposed minor league bloodbath, which calls for 42 teams to be eliminated. Is that a just fate for this poor little Colorado Springs franchise, which happens to be one of them? Let’s look into the history of the Vibes to see how the name originated:So the Colorado Springs AAA baseball team, the Sky Sox, moved to San Antonio, TX. Now we have a single A team, the Rocky Mountain Vibes. Seriously, how bad is this name? It's gotta be up there with the worst, even knowing that minor league baseball embraces weird names. Help.
Okay I hate The Brands again. The Vibes mascot is a flaming s’more. I think the weed implications are fairly evident, are they not? But no, oh no, those VIBES I get come mainly from chillin’ in the Springs and lookin’ at a really sweet megachurch. Sure. Anyway, as much as I hate all the bullshit Rovellology this team deployed to ideate its name, I can’t bring myself to hate the team itself THAT much. At least they didn’t name themselves the Bulldogs or some other nickname that’s been used by 6,700 other teams. They took a risk. A small, hilariously lame risk. But I prefer that risk all the same. And I’d prefer they not be contracted."Colorado is a super-transient state, so many people are from somewhere else," said Vibes general manager Chris Phillips. "You hear things like, 'When I moved here, I was such a happy camper…' But what makes the people here happy campers?" he continued. "It's the outdoors, the sunshine, that feeling you get when you live here in Colorado. So what's that feeling? How do you describe that?" And thus, a name was born. It's those Rocky Mountain Vibes.
HALFTIME!
Well wait, you said of ANY configuration. So, in theory, a single dude could have a three-way with two sexbots. This would happen ALL THE TIME. And it wouldn’t just be Redditors doing it. Every teenage boy in America would lose his virginity this way. I know I would have fucked two robots back in my teenage years if I could have. Instead, I had to wait 20 goddamn years to have sex. And it was with a real person! What a raw deal.It’s the future, and there are sex robots. How dramatically does this increase the percentage of couples who engage in a three-way (of any configuration)?
Cliff:
It’s extremely easy. I take the Pats winning all those Super Bowls. I’ve already lived through that version of football hell and survived. I’m STILL living in it. It’ll never fucking end! But I can keep enduring it. Hell, I’m not obligated to write about football anymore. I’m not sure VICE here even wants me to! OH THE IRONY. So I know how to cope with the Pats and all their miserable bullshit. They win and then every BarstoolRoy out there acts like he’s been vindicated for dabbling in revenge porn. The process is automatic now.Would you rather: Four consecutive Patriot Super Bowl wins in 2021-2024 or Trump/Pence win re-election. I feel like this should be an easier question than it is …
It doesn’t strike me as all that strange. I’ve taken a shit with earbuds in before. I go to the gym, I get my workout clothes on, I put on Spotify to amp myself up for CRUSHING 45 minutes of hardcore elliptical trainer cardio (manual setting) … but then, oh wait, I gotta take a shit before I leave the locker room!Please note that I don’t dangle my cord into the toilet like I’m going fishing. I am listening to Liam Gallagher in a relatively sanitary fashion, as those things go. Why wouldn’t I? There’s nothing else to do while I’m shitting one out. May as well use that time productively. In my opinion, it’s a much more egregious offense to NOT use headphones and listen to music/watch video out loud while you’re in there. I will call the goddamn police on people who do this.I was washing my hands at the office today and saw a guy come out of one of the stalls with BOTH headphones in (and not just those flashy airpod buds, but full cord and everything). I think being on the toilet with earpods seems like utterly psychotic behavior, but I can't exactly explain why. Is this a normal thing to do? Am I the insane one?
But they’ve always conspired to do that. Scripted shows are deliberately structured so that there are commercial breaks after X, Y, and Z minutes. Part of that is to accommodate advertisers, but it’s also a natural format for 22- and 44-minute story structures. I know this because I got hired to write a TV pilot once (the show was never made) and when I turned in the script the producers said "Uh, Drew? An hourlong show has five acts. You only have three acts in here." I did NOT know that was the format. (Still got paid though.) Nonscripted shows are also neatly divided in similar ways for the sake of editing and pacing.Anyway, that’s why the commercials appear synced on your TV. Of course, it also happens across multiple sporting events, and THAT I cannot explain away quite so easily. I know that the NFL and other leagues are beholden to take scheduled TV timeouts and what not, but there are definitely times when I’ve flipped around looking for live game action and hit ads across, like, four different channels. And then the other game is at halftime. It’s black magic. I hate it. I just wanna watch Bowling Green square off against Akron so that I can tweet about how badly it sucks.Cameron:Am I crazy or is BIG television conspiring against us to put all their channels on commercial at the same time?
I’m traveling with my family for spring break this week. I’m fascinated with the free hotel buffet breakfast culture. The best analogy I can come up with is when a pack of hyenas kill a lion and all feast on the carcass. It’s quite a spectacle.
When do pro athletes start seeming young? I just turned 30 and have been a sports fan all my life. I guess I still look at the players with the eyes of my younger self because they seem like older men. Then I have a brain implosion when I realize, “this guy is much younger than me.” Or “this guy is my age!” It’s a mind fuck. When does that go away?
Ian:
I think it’s "rude" if you go by some Victorian etiquette manual currently sitting on a coffee table in a New Yorker editor’s corner office. My brother used to crack his knuckles all the time and it drove my mom nuts. She told him his knuckles would grow to the size of golf balls if he kept doing it. He kept doing it. Also, he taught ME how to do it properly. He really is good at it: Beethoven of the metacarpals.So maybe my mom would beg to differ but, by modern standards, I don’t think it’s all that huge of an offense to crack your knuckles in public. I don’t ever recall noticing someone doing it in public, let alone being bothered by it. This is unusual because, now that I’ve entered my 40s and am half-deaf, EVERY ambient sound pisses me off. That goes for toilet YouTubers especially. Unless you’re cracking your knuckles every seven seconds, I don’t think you’re being all that obnoxious. If anything, I’d like you to teach me your ways.I was sitting at my work desk just now, and rather loudly cracked my knuckles on both hands. It occurs to me that I don’t think I’ve ever noticed anyone else do it in the years I’ve worked here, have I just tuned it out for all this time, or is it not as common as I expect? Is it rude of me to do this?
Email of the week!
Sophomore year, I moved out of the East Quad at Michigan and into an apartment. I made the mistake of taking one of those slips of paper with a phone number on them off a bulletin board. "Need a roommate?" I did. Let's call him Tim. Tim's parents helped him furnish his bedroom and bought a couch/tv for the living room. I worked almost full time so I didn't enjoy the benefits. Anyway, one day, I came home, and the stuff his parents bought him was all gone. Just gone. No signs of a break-in or anything, just gone.
When Tim came home, he told me that he sold all the stuff his parents got him and was going to use renter's insurance to replace it. I was irritated, but other than the impending insurance fraud, Tim was okay, so whatever. Two days later, I was out jogging, almost back to the apartment, and a cruiser chirped behind me, flashed its lights, and told me to stop. The officer got out of the car and asked me who I was and if I had any ID on me. As I was jogging, and this was before GPS on phones, I said no. He asked me what I was doing. I was covered in sweat.
"Jogging."
"You fit the description of a suspect."
So I had to wait in the back of the car while he checked out my story. After he let me go, I came home and there was a police officer just leaving the apartment. Tim had filed a police report and gave them my description as the thief.
Probably the right play.I moved out the next day.