Clothes in Chicago

New Clothes

Penelope’s (1913 W Division St, 773-395-2351) We’ve never met the manager of this place, but we’re guessing he is or is closely related to Santa—and he’s using his sexiest elves to run the shop. These are seriously the world’s tiniest hot chicks. Oh yeah, there are a couple of dogs, too. Like, actual dogs. Ugly people aren’t allowed near here. Tangerine (1719 N Damen Ave, 773-772-0505) This is where the girls who work at Penelope’s used to work. p45 (1643 N Damen Ave, 773-862-4523) There’s this big pond-like hole in the floor at the front of the store, but without any water. We’re not even sure where it goes, but the clientele who shop here are probably dumb enough to jump in and “swim.” Hejfina (1529 N Milwaukee Ave, 773-772-0002) Chicago as b-list New York. Jolie Joli (1623 N Damen Ave, 773-342-7272) Trendy unisex boutique where guys are supposed to feel comfortable shopping with ladies. “Unisex” meaning gay dudes and straight girls.

This was some guy’s “bachelor outfit” at a house party. We didn’t catch his name—but he was from Argentina.

Vintage Clothes Una Mae’s Freak Boutique (1422 N Milwaukee Ave, 773-276-7002) This place can actually yield some cool finds—if you can handle supporting a place called Una Mae’s Freak Boutique. U.S. #1 (1509 N Milwaukee Ave, 773-489-9428) There are shirts here worth more than Hugh Heffner’s robe collection. And don’t even think about shoplifting: The dogs here are the size of the standard Wisconsin dad. Brown Elephant (1459 N Milwaukee Ave, and other locations) This place sucks unless you like half-broken Christmas tree stands (which I may or may not have actually purchased) and back issues of Highlights (which I may or may not have completed the Jumbles in). Land of the Lost (614 W Belmont Ave, 773-529-4966) If you’re trying to purchase a Cha-Ka, we’ll save you the trip—This store has nothing to do with the TV show. Village Discount Outlet (2032 N Milwaukee Ave, 773-486-7603, and a million other places) Remember your first late–junior-high/early–high-school foray into ironic t-shirts, before you realized they’re 100 percent retarded? If you’re from Chicago, you bought your D.A.R.E. shirt here. Sadly, this is also where most Chicago DJs shop to fill their flight cases.