This Week in Food Porn: Figs, Plums, and Doughnuts

What do you get out of bed for in the morning? That's correct—the answer is breakfast. And what do you want to achieve with your day today? That's also right—you want to achieve lunch. And how do you like to spend your evenings? Once again, you're bang on the money—the answer to that little head-scratcher is dinner. And how do you go that extra mile? You guessed it—snacks.

So, whether you're looking for inspiration, mastication, or just a new way to pour a little more acid on that stomach ulcer, here is a selection of the best food porn uploaded to Instagram this week.

Bon appetit, you guzzling glories.

Chicken of the woods(laetiporus sulphureus), waiting to harvest until after the rains. Hopefully a raccoon or squirrel or any other type of little varmint does not steal it!! #mycology #fungus #mushroom #mushrooms #forager #wilderness #wildcaught #chickenofthewoods #instamushroom #forage #foraging

A photo posted by g for gavinator (@evilsaurus) on Sep 29, 2016 at 3:55pm PDT

Sure, you can call that the chicken of the woods, if it makes you happy. But we both know what what we're looking at here is the expanding insulation foam of the cavity wall. Or the exotic skin tag of the grey armpit crevice.

Pink makes the boys wink Good morning beautiful people! The sun is shining and I've been up since 5am to test out some recipes and get some chores done because I'm so behind it's not even funnyI'm not very good at all that malarkey and often wait until it's so bad I can't stand the mess any longer Same with ironing… My pile almost hits the ceiling NO JOKE!! I have nothing left to wear Anyways how pretty are these raspberry and blueberry smoothie bowls?!!! I just love this soft colour, makes me feel all calm and happy Hope you all have a great FriYay A photo posted by Marie UK (@papaya_sunshine) on Sep 29, 2016 at 11:48pm PDT

If pink makes the boys wink, then I think it's safe to say that petals make the lads special, figs make the big blokes dig, miscellaneous red powder makes the crying louder, and purple makes the hurdles spurtle. Still, enjoy your flirtatious breakfast, Shakespeare.

A photo posted by Rawduck Hackney (@raw_duck) on Sep 6, 2016 at 9:24am PDT

A plumassier was once, apparently, a "dealer in ornamental feathers," with the word "plum" coming from the Middle French word plumasse meaning "plume of feather." Quite why we refer to the pinkish grey sagging bags of lightly sweating male genitals as plums is anyone's guess.

Stunning pasta dish in San Gimignano this lunchtime. Thick fresh ribbons tossed with a creamy wild boar and saffron ragu. Unbelievable. #pasta #Tuscany #Italy #italianfood #travel #rosiefoodietravels A photo posted by Rosie Birkett(@rosiefoodie) on Sep 25, 2016 at 8:43am PDT

Sometimes oily beige food is, simply, the best food.

When your neighbour harvests asparagus… We get gifts on our door step each spring and these freshly cut babies are no comparison to what you find at the supermarket. We like to eat them simply grilled so they're still crisp with a touch of olive oil and salt #healthy #weightloss #asparagus #foodporn #buzzfeast #beautifulcuisines #inspo #foodie #instafood #f52grams @food52 @thefeedfeed #vegetables #foodart #foodstyling @beautifulcuisines #food #taste #kitchenbowl #eeeeeats #melbournefoodie #buzzfeast #yahoofood #fooddesign #hungrymate #foodglooby #foodinspiration #foodinten #eattheworld #onmytable #foodandwine #foodshare @hautescuisines @food_glooby #eattherainbow

A photo posted by m e l i s s a h a r d e r (@foodinten) on Sep 30, 2016 at 2:52am PDT

You just know some dickhead from Neasden is lying under a Calippo umbrella, in Pukhet, getting this exact photos tattooed around his bellybutton right now.

Say it with cake…or doughnuts or Oreos or whatever you fancy #birthday #cake #instagram #yes #blondieskitchen #love #instagood #instahappy #followforfollow #wednesday #instalife A photo posted by Blondies Kitchen (@blondieskitchen) on Sep 29, 2016 at 9:34am PDT

I don't know if you've ever heard the phrase "gilding the lily" but sweet mother of sweating saccharine glucose attacks, what the hell is going on? When did actual doughnuts start being acceptable cake decorations? When did we start slicing Malteasers in half? When did birthday cake become a genuine mode of suicide?

"افوض امري الي الله ان الله بصير بالعباد" . . كاش مي شد حال خوب را، لبخند زيبا را، بعضي دوست داشتن ها را، خشك كرد! لاي كتاب گذاشت، و نگهشان داشت… . . #معصومه_صابر . آدينه تون #رنگي_رنگي . .جديداً علاقه ي خاصي به جعفري پيدا كردم، احساس ميكنم به عكس روح ميده

A photo posted by @delaraaam.kln on Sep 30, 2016 at 1:42am PDT

Even though I know this is a delicious and filling breakfast, I can't help, somehow, feeling that I'm looking at one of those giant dinners made of sweets you buy from candy floss stalls at the end of the pier. Maybe it's to do with the shininess of the croissants, maybe it's something to do with the colour of the yolks. Maybe it's simply because I'd underestimated gherkins as a breakfast item until now.

We're short on words by seeing our Matcha turning into something so tremendously appealing. Here our friend Jess @jess.xv.v mastered what probably is one of the best #matchadessert we've ever seen Matcha Waffles smothered by some gooey Matcha Ganache topped with Matcha Icecream and finished off with some more Matcha GanacheMade with our Culinary Matcha Taishiro, the vibrant green says it all Find a great range of Matcha as well as Matcha accessories on our website www.zenwondersmatcha.com.au A photo posted by Purveyors of Specialty Matcha (@zenwonders_matcha) on Sep 29, 2016 at 6:22pm PDT

You know what, you can do what you like with snot—it still looks like snot.

München#munich#oktoberfest#wiesn#weisswurst#zaufen

A photo posted by @gainz_hunter on Sep 29, 2016 at 1:25am PDT

There are many things that Germany, particularly Bavaria, do incredibly well: woods, beer, semi-pornographic leather outfits, city parks, employment levels, drinking halls, salt, and flags to name just a few. But white, boiled sausages, full of egg white, served with cloying sweet mustard and colon-stopping white bread? No thank you, pals. No thank you very much.

#yellowmellow inspired #lunchbox for him.Sukhi Urad Dal Triangle Paratha Achaari Paneer Stir Fry #tasty #homemadefood #tiffinideas #tiffin #lunch#lunchpack #everydaymeal #everydayfood #indiaeats #goodfood #eatgoodfood #simplefood #lunchboxideas #nomnom #meatfreemonday #thekitchn #buzzfeedfood #indiapictures #weekdayfoodseries #inmykitchen #vegetarianfoodporn #officemeal #packedlunch #yummm #bentobox A photo posted by Hina (snpcht: funfoodfrolic) (@funfoodandfrolic) on Sep 28, 2016 at 8:53pm PDT

If you think tiffin is another word for raisin-splattered, smashed up biscuits covered in chocolate then I'm afraid your money is no good here. This autumn, the only tiffin I'm interested in comes with urad dahl and a range of chutneys.