My Ex Wants to Go No Contact, But I Can't Let Her Go

This article originally appeared on VICE Netherlands.

Ask VICE is a series where readers ask VICE to solve their problems, from dealing with unrequited love to handling annoying flatmates. Today, we’re hoping to help a reader who’s struggling to move on.

Hey VICE,

It's been three months since my girlfriend and I broke up after being together for a year and a half. She asked me not to contact her for a while, but I find that so hard. To me, she's the one. I'm struggling with the question of whether I should try to make things right after all.

I met her at a bar, and a few months later we became a couple. She was 17 at the time and I was 23. The arguments started after two months, and they got really intense sometimes. We’d talk it out, but there were many difficult moments.

Looking back, I see that many of those fights were caused by my behaviour. She did everything for me and put a lot of effort into our relationship. I did a lot for her, too, but I became increasingly indifferent and complacent. She told me loads of times that she felt I showed little enthusiasm and took her for granted.

I was also hypocritical and possessive. If she got drunk or did drugs, I’d make a big deal out of it the next day – even though I did it, too. If she went out for the evening, she’d have to anticipate my reaction to everything she did. Eventually, she ended our relationship.

I’ve talked about this a lot with my sister and now realise I was in the wrong. I dimmed her light, when I actually want her to be the best version of herself. I also ignored the signals she gave me about her unhappiness. 

A week after the breakup, we talked again. She was very sweet but said she wanted to go no contact to process the relationship. I kept trying to stay in touch with her. I was emotional and I wanted her attention, but it became too much for her. I tried to respect her wishes, but a few weeks later, I sent her a long message, telling her that I felt abandoned by her – that was foolish, obviously.

We then had a long conversation via WhatsApp, and that's when I found out she's interested in other guys now. After that, we talked on the phone for an hour, but I know she only did that for me – she was really done with my whining. The next day, I realised how annoying I was, so I sent her one more message to apologise and tell her she’s a wonderful person.

My friends and family say I should let her go and focus on myself. I'm doing well, but I still think about her every day. I just want to fight for her. I can't get her out of my head, and I'm convinced that one day things will work out. I just don't have anymore patience. What should I do? Should I still hold onto hope now I've understood what I did wrong?

Take care,

M.

Hey M.,

Heartbreak is a bitch, so it's absolutely normal for your brain to feel scrambled right now. Psychologist Petra van der Heiden, who wrote a whole book about heartbreak, says the process is similar to grieving a loved one. When you're with someone, you become increasingly attached, and when that relationship ends unexpectedly, it can be challenging to untangle yourself from them. It's a confusing and vulnerable ordeal.

It’s impossible for anyone to say if things will work out between you and your ex. But what we can help with is provide some mental clarity, and ultimately peace. “In your letter, I sense a lot of emotion and self-reflection,” says relationship therapist Joey Steur. “You've clearly been through a tough time. I think it's brave for you to acknowledge your own behaviour and role in the relationship. It shows you're open to growth and development.”

But recognising a pattern is very different from breaking it. In fact, getting back with an ex too quickly could lead you to fall back into the same toxic patterns – even if your intentions are good.

One thing you’ve noticed, for example, is that you became increasingly detached yet possessive while you were with her. These contradictory and dysfunctional ways to deal with conflicts and insecurities are usually learned during childhood, in the context of your family. 

“Feeling seen and loved is a basic need,” Steur says. If that doesn’t happen, either fully or partially, you might find yourself developing mechanisms to survive that hurt, which crop up when you’re an adult, too. You’re likely resorting to them in many areas of your life, but they become especially apparent in romantic relationships. “Usually because you're very close to each other and can be hurt more easily,” Steur adds.

Toxic patterns aside, your relationship might’ve come to an end because you simply want different things in life, too. There’s a bit of an age gap between the two of you, which is more significant given the fact that your ex is still a teenager. If you’re on different pages, you won’t be able to fix that – no matter how much effort you put into becoming a better person.

Heartbreak is excruciating, but it’s also an opportunity to get to know yourself and learn from your mistakes. It's crucial that you genuinely take this time to make changes for yourself, though – not just to prove a point to your ex. 

Besides, Steur says you’ll never be able to change your ex’s mind no matter what you say to her, and you have to accept that. “You feel panic and stress because you're afraid of losing her for good, so you're messaging her from this state of unrest,” Steur says. “You have no control over her, but you do have control over how this breakup eventually affects you.” 

As difficult as it may be, it's important to respect her wishes to have no contact. If you feel you need to tell her something, write it down in a letter without sending it. It's helpful to have a place to vent.

Above all, you should acknowledge that your relationship is officially over. That doesn’t mean the love or the happy moments are gone. You can still learn to cherish these – no matter how hard it feels. 

The only thing to do right now is take the time and energy to process everything. Don't be afraid to seek support from friends and family – you’re doing hard work. And as unbelievable as it may sound now, one day all this sadness will fade.