How to Enjoy a Holiday Meal at the Airport When Your Flight Gets Cancelled

Ho, ho! The holidays are fast approaching, and I bet you're wondering: Which online publication is gonna do the funniest, zaniest, goofiest post about Christmas this year???

Well, if you're in the market for some stupid click-bait humor, you better look somewhere else, bozo. This is literally an article: a piece of journalism with real information and a word count slightly above what this website usually requires.

OK. Let's just cut to the chase… It's Christmas Eve and you've bought that $800 plane ticket home to see the family, but with snowstorms sweeping across the runway, you're stuck in the terminal with no way out! You'd better whip out that phone and text Mom, 'cuz this is going to be one looooong night before Christmas.

But don't worry! Having a turbulent experience during your holiday travel is as much of a tradition as clawing and biting your way though a big box store on Black Friday. That's why it's always best to pack some Christmas supplies in order to arrive prepared and ready to celebrate the big night with a bunch of random strangers.

With all these candy canes and sugar plums floating around, who doesn't have a sweet tooth around the holidays? With the variety of Christmas confections being so vast, it's hard to bring along everything in your suitcase. But when your luggage is made of dessert, packing a little something to tickle your tongue is never an issue. Edible gingerbread luggage not only tastes great, but if you're going to have to pay for an extra bag at check-in, you can always just eat the dang thing in front of everyone and carry your clothes on the plane in your greasy hands.

The Christmas goose may be the Thanksgiving turkey's more esoteric cousin, but when it comes to dinner's main course, it's a must for any yuletide feast. Whether you find this fowl in a free-range field or forage it from the most fearsome of factory farms, just make sure that you're able to stuff the little guy in your duffle bag for easy transport.

Once he's buried under all that dirty laundry you're bringing home for your mom to wash, ask the agent manning the x-ray machine to set that thing to broil and sit back to see your meal get cooked from the inside out.

When your goose comes out the other end, a TSA agent will be more than happy to stuff that bird free of charge. With plenty of experience reaching into a wide variety of orifices, the nimble fingers of these officers have more than enough dexterity to shove just about anything in there.

If there's a lack of free seating in the food court, don't get your feathers in a bunch! Airports are well-aware of the strain that holiday travel puts on the accommodations they usually provide. During the Christmas crunch, it's tradition for employees to encourage travelers to get creative with where they consume food inside the terminal.

Try pulling up a table near the toilet or enjoying a libation in the lavatory, because when there's heavy traffic in the airport's corridors, a place to sit is almost impossible to find. In my experience, the bathroom is the only place you'll wanna eat at the kids table. Diaper changing stations are flat and sturdy, and if they can hold the bulk of a baby, then they can definitely support your supper, too.

Craving a digestif after gobbling that goose? Before lying down for a nap at your gate, you should head over to the airport bar to join the rest of the travelers who are busy drowning their sorrows. The terminal has plenty of booze within its walls, but with all sorts of federal agencies watching over the place, the drinking rules can be pretty harsh sometimes. Have no fear. All it takes is a little teamwork to subvert these pesky guidelines.

Dang! Your flight is still cancelled? When trying to pass some serious time, real estate on the airport floor is a valuable commodity—especially when it comes to finding juice for your electronic devices. You may have a rent-controlled studio apartment in the North Pole's most rapidly gentrifying neighborhood, but no piece of property is as valuable as the ground in front of a working power outlet in your airport's terminal. Stay there as long as you can, no matter how many people try to evict you.

And after all that, if you're plane is really having trouble getting off the ground, you know you can always call the jolly old fat guy himself. With any luck, Santa, Rudolph, and the rest of that sleigh-towing squad have a layover in your airport too, and they'll usually be more than happy to give your plane a tug off the tarmac.

Shit! I forgot my charger! Oh well. Merry Christmas, everyone!

Graphics by Dave Maggio and Studio Malagón With Anton & Larry Spivack Thanks to Misha Spivack, Brad Bush, and Elena Tarchi