We Must Have the Good Vacuum

You’ve suffered enough. It’s time to suck those floors clean with all the mouth power of a Remora fish suction riding a shark at 100 MPH. You’ve reached the time in your Adult Life to stop buying meh vacuums, and those clunking clunkers, and actually buy a vacuum that’s worth folding your arms over in the coffin. It’s time to get a Dyson! 

Dysons are the Lambos of vacuums. People are obsessed. There is an entire subreddit (with nearly 5,000 members) exclusively for discussing the love of Dyson. People who own Dysons laugh, cry, sleep with them. Owning a Dyson is like owning a Tesla: Suddenly, it becomes part of your personality. 

Wanna join that floor-lickin'-squeaky-clean club? If you're looking to finally take the plunge and buy a Dyson, they’re on sale (with many going for $100 off, with free shipping), including the Cyclone V10 that totally inspired that one banger by T-Pain and Baby Bash. 

After all these years, there’s still no bigger humble-flex in the realm of vacuum swag (other than the Roomba) than owning a Dyson, which is still giving us James Cameron-level production value. If you see a Dyson in someone’s house, you know they’re the kind of person who is going to scrub the sink a little after they’ve done the dishes. They probably own a Le Creuset casserole. You know they know what matters, and that you could lick hot honey from their floors. (Have you tried hot honey yet?). 

We’re glad to finally be here (so is our roommate, parents, feet), so here are the top three Dyson suckeronis we love best:

The Cyclone V10 is to vacuums what the Thin White Duke period was to David Bowie. Every time we remember it exists, we’re like, Damn. Did that happen? That was intense. You wouldn’t know it by the slender and tubular silhouette, but this thing is a workhorse. “This is by far my favorite Dyson machine I own,” writes one reviewer, “The increased battery life, new bin release and suction power make this a powerful cordless machine. I have a dog and two small children which makes for a messy house but the V10 can handle it all.”

Cyclone V10, $549.99 $449.99 at Dyson

Nothing wrong with that. This vacuum has the strongest suction out of every Dyson; has a washable lifetime filter that’s environmentally friendly; and even includes a special ball feature (yeah, IDK, just trust the ball) that means it can weasel its way into every crevice your cat has dared to shed. “It picks up so much dust that I didn't realize was even building up on our carpets,” says one reviewer. Which excites and terrifies us, as both pet lovers and people who also shed hair everywhere. But think of how gratifying it will be to finally suck up all that schmutz. 

Ball Animal 2 Total Clean Pet Vacuum Cleaner, $599.99 $499.99 at Dyson

But it’s everything else. This is our wild card pick, because it’s pretty luxurious and definitely not a purchase we thought we’d be making, but here we are, getting cooled and serenaded by our Alexa-compatible, air purifying heater/AC with fan thingamajig. You can also control it from a smartphone app, which is tight. A great whopper of a gift, for health conscious jabroni. 

Dyson Pure Hot+Cool™ HP04 purifying heater + fan (Nickel/Nickel), $669.99 $549.99 at Dyson

Well, that’s it. Hope your day sucks <3.

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