How To Get Free Coke

I’ve written a couple articles for VICE where I mention getting free drugs and drinks off men, who offer it to me for no reason other than I’m a good time (I’m not even that hot so spare me with the pretty privilege complaints).

Of course, even more men flipped out over it in the comments.

Maybe those men who offered the drugs wanted sex from it, but that’s not my problem. Everyone wants sex from everything… that’s always the end goal right? Life is full of disappointment.

And with the price of cocaine in Australia it shouldn’t be that astonishing that if a 30-something year old man (who’s earning $300K a year in investment banking) lets a girl in her 20s who works in media have a line or two of his coke, she’ll return the favour by pretending he’s interesting. Even though he’s really just talking about stocks, or circling back, or the gym or whatever the hell Suits think makes great conversation.

I’ve been given a lot of free drugs in my life and my favourite hustle has definitely been the cocaine hustle. It’s a chatty drug, so you get increasingly better at hustling it as the night goes along. I’ve never wanted to hustle ketamine, because if you have enough it makes you a weird little freak with the conversational skills of a toddler (which I love only when I’m in bed watching the Harry Potter series from start to finish or when I’m with my best friends in the corner of a dark bar giggling at nothing). Coke is also fun to hustle because if you do actually end up in bed with the “victim” they’ll probably get coke dick and you’ll only have to kiss them and maybe grind a bit on their little limp cock. Not too intrusive.

If you go to fancier places in close proximity to big office buildings, or just CBD venues in general, you just need to dress slightly edgy or goth so you stand out and seem chill, then make conversation with average looking men in suits. You can tell if they have coke by how slowly they drink their drinks, and you can always just straight up ask. A good segway is “do you know anyone who could get me some drugs?” and they’ll feel like your saviour by offering you their bag. So you take it to the bathroom with your best friend, do two fat lines and coke-chat in the cubicle for 20 mins before returning it to them. Can confirm this isn’t off the table and they’ll be pleasantly surprised when you return. Pleasing rich men isn’t hard.

Another target market for coke hustling is dealers themselves. Dealers are usually lonely, and I know both men and women who get free drugs from drug dealers just by offering to hang out with them. They’ll deep down feel like you genuinely want to hang with them despite the fact that they twitch, talk about conspiracy theories (in a lame way) and can’t make eye contact. Speaking of ticks, you can also convince a dealer to grant you some sort of payment plan but I don’t recommend this unless you want to risk being kidnapped etc. 

If you’re in a place like Berlin, where every second Uber driver is a drug dealer, you can just make seductive eye contact with them through the rear view mirror and hope for the best. I once had a driver say “you have the most beautiful eyes I’ve seen. Do you do cocaine?” And he drove us down an alleyway and we did coke off his  passport because he was FaceTiming his friend in Turkey. He dropped me off at a kick-on where I met a guy who wanted to tell me all about the music he makes and,because I listened so intently, he kept offering me bumps from his bag. So, the lesson there is: be a good listener. Nod and exclaim and make eye contact, make them feel special and understood. You can never go wrong, and there’s nothing to lose there because, realistically, when you’re in a room full of drug-addled young adults no one is really saying anything interesting, anyway. You won’t get FOMO.

Finally, if you’re really dedicated to the cause you can actually seek out a sugar dating arrangement. In this case you will probably, (okay, definitely) have to fuck them. But, if you get lucky like me you’ll meet a 50-something year old bank-executive turned drug importer who thinks you’re a lesbian, like you’ve led him to believe, and have been turned to like dick because he’s so amazing in bed (he really makes you fuck him with you on top for 2 minutes before he prematurely cums on your tits).

The situation is good because he thinks you’re mysterious and edgy and texts you funny things like “what lesbian hang out are you at tonight bitch?” Love it. When you sit in his office while he sends emails and WhatsApps to his Chinese dealer friend that alarmingly convinced your best friend to smoke meth with him once, you sigh and twirl your hair with your finger until he tells you to go open the drawer on the filing cabinet near you and help yourself to whatever you can find. There will usually be a couple bags of coke, maybe some meth. But don’t touch that shit.

Honestly, drugs are there for the taking. They come and they go and, in my eyes, by buying drugs you’re committing to the community of drug users, so you should expect to give at least some of it away. Men - if you’re mad at this, consider why you may be and you’ll realise you’re just as big of a drug-fiend as I am. Men are babies and women lie to themselves (and you). Just accept it.

Jewel Nichols is a writer and part-time psycho from Sydney who loves to talk about herself and flirt with security guards.