How to Cope with a Break-Up Without Just Getting Wasted All the Time

There’s something about having your heart smashed into a thousand sharp and ragged little pieces that brings on the insatiable urge to get rinsed.

After a somewhat strenuous break-up, I found myself diving naked into the Cuba St bucket fountain at 4am on a Tuesday morning, and spent the next 48 hours anxiety spiralling as I imagined soon I’d be arrested for public indecency, imprisoned, never able to leave the country again and had effectively ruined my entire life. An outcome that truly wouldn’t be worth the five months I spent with a guy who told me he didn’t think I was attractive or funny. 

But even knowing the bevy of idiotic outcomes, the compulsion to get shitfaced in the wake of a break-up can feel automatic. Whatever it is that tickles your fancy, we find ways to self-medicate with all sorts of things in order to stay numb to the things we’re actually feeling.

Drinking yourself into oblivion is one of the common ways to go when entering the post-break-up hurricane, a storm that’ll spit you out rotten if you let it. And the draw to alcohol is obvious — it releases dopamine in the brain, temporarily boosts serotonin, and, forgive me if I’m getting too scientific here, makes everyone funnier and hotter. 

From casual beers at the flat, nights in Ponsonby town or shots at Whammy, to cocktails, there are endless ways to drink. The culture is ripe and can feel unavoidable. So now is probably the time to avoid it. Overdoing it when you’re out drinking can bring on sadness, anger and negatively impact cognitive decision making — as well as leaving you drained of the dopamine and serotonin it promised to provide. 

You don’t want to find yourself punching someone or crying to your ex over the phone, because you decided sinking piss for hours on end was a surefire way of avoiding feeling anything at all.

The numbing power of alcohol can quickly take you from pleasantly avoiding your own state of mind to having everything you’ve ever thought or felt in the wake of your break-up racing through your brain.

Often in tandem with drinking, comes drugs. Despite poor Harold the Giraffes best efforts, a lot of people do them, and I’m not here to tell you to stop. Just to keep your situation in mind and decide whether right after a break-up is the best time for that kind of fun. 

The options are endless and very available. But the catch is the same. Excessive use of drugs can lead to bad behaviour (obviously) and major comedowns once the serotonin has been sapped from your body.

And finally there’s sex. Perhaps out of vengeance or a newfound sense of freedom, sleeping with other people is on your mind. This one’s a bit tricky, because while not objectively harmful to your body or brain, there is an emotional toll that can creep in, days, weeks or even years later. There is no shame in getting around town—but the reasons you’re doing it can change the effect endless boning has on you.

And disregarding your own damage, it’s possible that you’re gonna hurt someone else along the way. Do everyone some good and keep it in your pants for a bit.

Drowning your sorrows in short-term hookups might not make you any happier, and surviving on a diet of ‘you up’s and luke-warm compliments from people that don’t even know your last name probably won’t prepare you to make better relationship-based decisions from here on out.

Although it can be hard not to give in to temporary good feelings and spin out of control, in the long run, making the choice to approach your early days as a single person with your future self in mind can do you a hell of good.

Now is the time to lean on the people closest to you, even if it means asking them to step in and keep you from doing anything stupid. Friends that love you aren’t gonna let you screw yourself over, so just make sure you’re putting your trust in the right places. 

While we can convince ourselves that a break-up is time for change and growth, take off the pressure of becoming a brand new person. The reality is that, for a lot of us, it can be hard to convince yourself to do anything at all after a bad break-up, let alone anything new, so go back to the basics of what you know you enjoy. Rewatch the films you love, listen to your favourite playlists on repeat, get your PS5 back out.  Give yourself an easy ride and focus on just getting through it. 

But if you’re the type of person that needs a solid distraction, lucky for you, you now have a deep and empty hole to fill with self improvement . If you’re a fan of hitting the gym, you can turn your focus to exercise — it’ll leave you feeling better on a chemical level and keep you looking healthy – sometimes necessary to boost your confidence after a relationship ends. If you’re musically inclined, consider your broken heart the gift that every musician waits for and channel how you’re feeling into your work. Same goes for art and writing and other creative pursuits.

It’s fairly common, in relationships, to let things you love doing fall to the wayside, so if there’s something you’ve put off or forgotten about while you’ve been dating, now is the perfect time to get back on that horse.

Just remember: plenty of shit music and art comes out of a heartbreak, too, so don’t hold your standards too high. 

And if the break-up has you dark enough that bike-rides and Mac Miller’s discography aren’t cutting it – check out your options with therapy.

Therapy isn’t a last resort, so we don’t need to treat it like one. 

Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.

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Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa.