What It's Like Being New Zealand’s Sixteenth Sexiest Male Celebrity

This week the Adulttoymegastore Kiwi Sex Survey run by Colmar Brunton released their 2017 sexiest New Zealand celebs list. The list featured some usual suspects. Rachel Hunter took out the sexiest women crown ahead of Lorde, Kim Crossman, Samantha Hayes and a couple of Bachelor rejects. All to be expected.

It was the men's list however, that really grabbed my attention.

No points for guessing that Dan Carter, Richie McCaw and Sonny Bill Williams make up the top three respectively. Those guys are hot. But it's a few dark horses in the list that has sent a shockwave through the entertainment community.

Apparently you were allowed to vote for yourself, which would explain Mike Hosking coming in at 17. Bill English is two above him at 15, which also makes sense. If every one of his many kids voted, that would probably be enough for him to crack the top 20.

But probably the best and most surprising part of the poll is how many comedians are considered top level sexy. Six to be exact. TV hosts Jono and Ben both made it, internet comedian Jimi Jackson, stand ups Guy Williams, Dai Henwood and yours truly, sandwiched in between Hosking and English at 16.

I remember when I was six, my mum went to see a psychic who told her one of her kids would go on to achieve great things. Could this be what she was talking about?

I can already feel a change in the air. I went out last night and my mate who was DJing at the bar congratulated me on making the list and said I could get a drink on his tab. His tab had actually run out but I thought it was nice of him and perhaps a sign of what's to come. I walked past the Longroom and the bouncer looked at me like if I tried getting in, he'd consider allowing me to do so.

This morning my local coffee shop stamped my card twice. Is this normal? If I went on Married At First Sight, would I be allowed in The Pretty Committee? Those guys seem really genuine and I'd like to become good friends with them.

I hear Drake is in the country this week. Will we hang out? I have my daughter this weekend but I can shuffle things around if Drake wants to catch up. I'll need a babysitter though. Facebook message me if you can help.

With great sexiness comes great responsibility. That is my new mantra and I want to be more than just "Number 16". I want to make a change for the better. I want little Darren at Kelburn Primary School to wake up in the mornings and go, "I too can be number 16 one day". I too can share a list with Max Key and a bunch of D-List celebs.

I'm not gonna lie, It's been a pretty rough last few months, I've had jobs fall through, my car failed it's warrant, my psoriasis has been playing up, and I fell down a flight of steps so walked with a limp for a good chunk of the year, but this has made it all worth it.

I sent the list to my family in Chile and even though they can't read English and my nana has Alzheimers and doesn't know who I am, they're all very proud of me. I'd like to dedicate this to them, but most importantly to Ariana Williams who turned me down at my fourth form social in High School and pashed one of my mates instead. Look at me now, Ariana. The acne has gone, I kinda have a moustache and I'm friends with Rog from The Rock. Life is good.

Follow Cori on Twitter.