This is some great news if you love horrible news. Moveable Feast—a San Jose-based catering company—is bringing to this earth the Electronic Sriracha Festival. It’s a festival combining two things that should not ever be combined: electronic dance music and—yup, you guessed it—Sriracha. This is like announcing that Scarlett Johansson and Rob Ford are in a relationship. It makes no sense. No one asked for this. Who in their right mind would want this? What is something so beautiful doing with something so awful?
This catastrophe, starting August 30, is going to take over two city blocks with food trucks and dance stages. More than 120 Sriracha-infused dishes will be available, as well as $6 drinks. The line-up will be released Monday, July 21. Not much is known about the food trucks participating, but something tells me Skrillex’s Grillex will be there.
After one too many dropped spicy foods, a dad in cargo shorts is going to throw the first punch. From there, all hell will break loose.
If, for some reason, this sounds good to you on paper, let me do the Lord’s work and convince you why this EDM shitfest is going to suck:
It’s in San Jose
San Jose is a city that exists to make lesser California cities, like Riverside, look good. People who live in San Jose don’t live there because they want to. They live there because they have to. Either some crappy job is forcing them to be there, or their safety school crapped out on them and now they have to attend San Jose State University. Nightlife in San Jose is practically non-existent. Unless you enjoy seeing techies try and sing “Gangam Style” at karaoke bars.
Some Sort of War Will Break Out
Some people will be at this festival because they love Sriracha. Others will be there because they love EDM. Only two people will actually be there because they equally love both. This is a recipe for war. The Sriracha enthusiasts will be trying to eat in peace, while men and women with pacifiers and fuzzy top hats will bump in to them. After one too many dropped spicy foods, a dad in cargo shorts is going to throw the first punch. From there, all hell will break loose. A full on riot will start, and electronic dance music will be playing while it happens.
You can’t have EDM without ecstasy and alcohol. It’s the only way the music can be even mildly enjoyable.
At Least One Idiot Is Going to Die
Any time you have a music festival, expect someone to die. Not like in a weird, sacrificed-to-the-dark-lords-of-dance sort of way. Rather, someone will do something stupid and careless because they are high as balls. Sriracha will add fuel to that flame. How many EDM kids are going to dare their friends to down a bottle of Sriracha sauce in one sitting?
Also, it bears mentioning: Drugs and Sriracha do not mix. People high on molly are going to be getting themselves more dehydrated, and more disoriented. The organizers of this event would like to think that folks will ditch the drugs for Sriracha, which, to be fair, is a drug in its own right. However, there is no way that’s going to happen. You can’t have EDM without at least ecstasy and alcohol. It’s the only way the music can be even mildly enjoyable.
The acronym EDM-ers live by, PLUR, will now have an ‘S’ at the end. Peace, Love, Unity, Respect, Sriracha. PLUR was never a great-sounding motto to begin with (doesn’t have the same oomph as YOLO), but now it will sound more like an incurable, debilitating disease with that ‘S’ at the end. “Mom, Dad…I have PLURS.” Not much is known about PLURS, but if your skin is turning bright “glowstick green,” that’s an early sign that you’re infected.
It’s Going to Be Expensive
First off, you have to buy a ticket for the festival. The exact price is not out yet, but really, paying anything to be at this is already too much. On top of buying the festival ticket, you’ll most likely have to buy the food and you’ll definitely have to buy drinks. The more Sriracha-infused foods you want to try, the pricier it’s going to be. Get ready to throw down over $100 while at an electronic music festival during the day. I don’t think a sadder sentence than that has ever been written.