An Entire Year of Hangover Cures

We're not going to dress this one up with a lot of introduction. We know why you're here. You're trying to forestall the inevitable pain of waking up with a mouth that feels like someone took a dump in the desert, cranial nerves shrieking with the constant thrum of dehydration, and a mortifying sense of shame when you realized that you peed your pants on the dance floor of the club.

You need a hangover cure. And if you've managed to already use up all of our hangover-prevention tips from last year, you'll want to keep on reading here.

As we should all know, teetotaling is the only surefire way to avoid the dreaded morning head-throb. In 2015, however, several products hit the market with claims of being "hangover-free" or at least minimizing the usual damage: fancy engineered wine yeasts, vitamin-enriched vodka, ultra-distilled gin, even cured pork snacks.

You mean we can eat jerky and avoid that rush of booze-induced vertigo the next day? Heaven is a place on Earth, indeed.

But you can also stick to plain-old greens from the produce aisle, says lady Science. In fact, if you haven't already boarded the hipster brassica train bound for Kalesville, you should now: Kale is chock-full of vitamin E, which may prevent hangovers in addition to leaving your skin as supple as a baby's. Researchers say the same of pear juice and even clams, which is why one Japanese company boasts that each of its canned soups contains the hangover-fighting power of 70 mollusks.

If all of that is too complicated, though, you could always just try this experimental pill that supposedly eliminates hangovers. (The only catch? It also prevents you from getting drunk.)

Now, if you forgot your clam soup and your kale and your GMO wine yeasts, you're probably feeling a little fucked. Don't worry! The world at large has been getting smashed for millennia, and almost every culture has a standard cure for the day after a drinking binge.

That's not to say they're all easy to come by. In Nicaragua, for example, they eat iguana soup. In Bolivia, the hangover-helping breakfast broth is made from a bull penis.

You could, however, probably manage to procure some fava beans for ful medames, a staple breakfast food in parts of the Middle East and Africa. You could also probably manage to put together some sloppy-joe version of the famous "wet burgers" of Istanbul, or a souped-up version of this extra-spiced bloody Mary.

But our go-to cure comes from famed chef Fergus Henderson, who is a student of the Hair of the Dog school of thought when it comes to these matters: Just drink more Fernet and call it a day.

Happy Drunk Year's, one and all!