How to Open a Beer with a Fish, a Drone, or 5 Other Random Objects

Hey kids, it's National Drink Beer Day! (Not to be confused with National Beer Day, which isn't until April. But who needs National Beer Day when the point is to drink the beer? So National Drink Beer Day, despite its semantically awkward name, is by far the more important of the two days and it's happening right now.)

According to the instructions on the National Day Calendar—evidently the brainchild of a marketer with far too much time on his or her hands, which lists "National Days" of all types, including, of course, National Rhubarb Vodka Day (December 3)—here is how you should celebrate National Drink Beer Day: "Enjoy a glass of your favorite beer at a local tavern." Well, we can all handle that.

So that you can really get in the spirit of this special day, we thought you'd enjoy a selection of absurd methods for cracking a cold one. Because how would you actually get down to the drinking of beer on National Drink Beer Day if you don't first open the bottles of beer? And let's face it, there are times when the traditional opening device—be it a metal opener or a thingamajig built into your sandal—is simply not available. Rest assured that these videos have you covered.

First up, a group of carpenters from Handwerkskollektiv, a construction company in Zurich, demonstrate how to simultaneously open five bottles of beer at once—using rulers! We're not sure why they are all wearing matching vests in the video, but we feel an element of sartorial splendor is always welcome. And these carpenters sure seem enthusiastic about their beer-opening trick, which is resourceful, to say the least.

In case you are not a carpenter (or a second-grader) and you find yourself without a ruler (or five), allow us to direct your attention to a much more useful video entitled "How to Open a Beer With a Drone." We're impressed with the ingenuity of the set-up in the video—although we're also convinced that if you try this at home, you will not only completely destroy your beer, but obliterate your drone as well.

In the same vein as the drone video is "Man Open Beers With Rocket." All we can say about this video is that when someone says, "Put the other glove on and hold your balls," you should probably run for the hills.

Moving on, the winner for most efficient can-opening video goes to "Crab opens beer." The gentleman in the video shows just how quickly a feisty mud crab can open a flip tab. We're confident that after viewing this video, you will come to the same conclusion that we did: Nature is truly majestic. Only problem—dislodging the crab from the can post-opening is no easy feat.

Remember floppy disks? Of course you do—they sucked ass. Well, guess what? Just like they were a shitty way to store data and get free AOL trials, floppy disks also happen to be a shitty way to open a beer bottle. Check out this video to see how your parents opened their beers during college, kiddos. It wasn't pretty.

Just because we already recommended one sea creature for use as a makeshift bottle opener doesn't mean we can't also recommend another. After all, word around the office is that there's actually quite a bit of water on this planet—who'd have thought? Next up, we have the hastily titled "How to open a beer bottle ith a fish… Dumb!!! [sic]" For reasons unknown to us, the video is set to the tune of "Jingle Bells" and shows a man opening a beer with the tail end of a fish. Clearly somebody needs to give this man a MacArthur grant.

Last, but certainly not least, is our personal favorite, intriguing titled, "Yo Soy 'El Destapador Humano.'" We believe that means "I Am the Human Can Opener," although we like to call this video "The Ass-Crack Opener." This is a man with an impressive set of glutes, and the video is worth watching just for the hilarity that ensues. The human form truly is a wonder to behold.

What more could you ask for on National Drink Beer Day? Now go grab a dead fish or your own buttcheeks and get to drinking.