The Food Offerings at Ball Parks Across America Have Gone Insane

Just in time for baseball season, stadium food has gone off the rails.

It's not as if stadium food was ever healthy, exactly, but the new Gonzo-style offerings at stadiums nationwide appear to be designed specifically to induce as many heart attacks amongst fans as possible in nine short innings.

We are, of course, a nation of extremes—Bernie and Donald, Tamagotchi and Giga Pets. But just as the government is reporting that Americans are choosing healthier diets, the trend in stadium food is about to go the other way. Completely the other way.

How insane are we talking about?

For Exhibit A, allow us to take you to Yankee Stadium, the venerable sports venue in the Bronx. It is there this spring that fans will be able to purchase and consume a two-foot-long cheesesteak known as the "Tape Measure." For a mere $27, the Tape Measure will deliver 24 inches of steak sandwich. The enormous cheesesteak will be topped with white American cheese or Cheez Whiz—your choice—and served on a fresh-baked roll.

Still hungry? You can head over to a stand at Yankee Stadium called Triple Play, where you can procure the G.O.A.T. (Greatest of All Time) Burger. Not exactly delicate, that burger is topped with bacon, American cheese—and pastrami. Or maybe you'd prefer the Barnyard Wedding, which is a burger topped with no less than a fried chicken cutlet, hash browns, barbecue sauce, and cheddar cheese.

New at @Yankees games: "Barnyard Wedding" -- cheeseburger, fried chicken, hash browns & BBQ sauce on a pretzel bun pic.twitter.com/MpvwJIOXWq

— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) March 31, 2016

The seventh inning stretch may become the seventh-inning stretcher.

Not to be outdone, the Atlanta Braves' stadium will be offering the "Burgerizza." For $26, you'll get a "grilled 20-oz. all-beef patty, covered with five slices of cheddar cheese, topped with crispy bacon, and served between two 8-inch pepperoni pizzas." Expect arteries all across The ATL to be closing down—and we're not talking about I-285.

Anyone up for a roady to a Braves game in ATL so I can put one of these bad boys into my face? #Burgerizza pic.twitter.com/Bgz9yPo1NR — Mike Fuller (@MikeKX947) March 30, 2016

Worst of all? We'll put our money on the hot dog you will be able to purchase at PNC Park while watching the Pittsburgh Pirates play. The Cracker Jack & Mac Dog will feature—as the name suggests—a hot dog covered with caramel sauce, jalapeños, Cracker Jacks, and macaroni and cheese. Just try to convince us the person who thought that up wasn't stoned out of his or her demented gourd.

New @Pirates Games: Cracker Jack & Mac Dog pic.twitter.com/WhkOWOD5cN — Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) March 24, 2016

Some other stadiums are taking a higher road, allowing their food selections to be chosen by what appears to be a mind that is neither intoxicated nor younger than the age of six. The Mets' stadium, CitiField, is known for its food offerings. Pat LaFrieda, the meat guru, told the Today Show, "The gimmicky thing might work once or twice, but you have to serve the same quality food day in and day out and that's the charm." At CitiField, you can snack on a spicy fried chicken sandwich from David Chang's Fuku, Rao's pizzaiolo hero with roasted short rib, or LaFrieda's own filet mignon sandwich.

Then again, sometimes you just want to chow down like a kindergartener on crack. And if that's the case, the ballparks of America will be happy to serve you.