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Pornhub Has Seriously Pissed Off Italy's Parmigiano-Reggiano Industry

The Parmigiano-Reggiano Cheese Consortium is furious at Pornhub for mentioning Parmigiano-Reggiano in a commercial. This is a serious blow to cheese-lovers and porn-lovers alike, like the first time you catch your parents fighting.

What do you get when you mix a massive, global porn site with a fraternity of Italian cheese-makers? No, this isn't the start of some off-color, hack-standup joke from the 90s.

Anyway, the answer to that question is a resounding, "Nothing!" At least that's the answer provided by the Italian governmental agency in charge of producing Parmesan cheese.

READ: Italy Wants to Take the Word 'Parmesan' Away from Kraft

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It brings a single, glistening tear to my eye to report that The Parmigiano-Reggiano Cheese Consortium—which is apparently a totally real thing and not just some Nigerian dude at an Internet café—has announced it is considering legal action against the popular pornography sharing site Pornhub, the third-most popular porn site and 65th-most popular website overall in the entire world.

So, what has the erotica enterprise done to offend the institution that is in charge of bringing us the delicious Italian cheese we so enjoy grating onto our pasta?

Apparently, Pornhub had the unmitigated gall to actually compare their new "Premium" subscription service to the King of Cheeses in the same smut-stained breath. It happened in one of their "vulgar" commercials.

Pornhub—as, ahem, we are sure you totally don't know—is a website that purveys pornography and is quite successful: it gets over 78 billion views annually. Last week, Pornhub launched a subscription service that will give users access to special content for $9.99 a month.

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The advertisement for the new service features a middle-aged couple shopping at the cheese counter in their local gourmet store. "Why don't we get this aged Parmigiano-Reggiano? They say it's the Pornhub Premium of cheeses," says a horribly dressed man, knowingly, to his female partner. Cut to black.

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That's it! Even though Parmigiano-Reggiano is widely respected in the world of hard cheeses, the commercial seems about as tame as your mother after a white wine spritzer at the Ojai Valley Inn. Nevertheless, it was evidently controversial enough to get the Parmigiano-Reggiano people's panties in a bundle.

The Italians strictly regulate their cheese-making—that's probably why their product is so damn good. Only cheese made in Parma, Reggio Emilia, Modena, and parts of Bologna and Mantova can be officially designated by the certified name "Parmigiano-Reggiano."

Outside the European Union, "Parmesan" can mean pretty much anything. But "Parmigiano-Reggiano" is a legally protected name, referring to only those cheeses that the Consorzio Parmigiano-Reggiano—an organization formed under a formal governmental decree—has inspected and approved. Made from unpasteurized cow's milk, wheels of the cheese are inspected at 12 months; if the Consorzio approves, the wheels, which average 84 pounds each, will be heat-branded with the official name.

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Lawyers for the Consorzio are examining whether they can make a case against Pornhub for trademark tarnishment. The cheese agency called the commercial "not only distasteful and unacceptable, but offensive for our producers and their work." What's more, the commercial used the hallowed term "Parmigiano-Reggiano" and not, according to spokesman Igino Morini, "the term 'Parmesan' which can be used generically in the US" In an official statement, the cheese authorities claimed the video is "vulgarly aimed at making a profit from the exploitation of the fame gained by Parmigiano-Reggiano."

How dare these porn purveyors analogize the beloved pasta-topper to sex videos, premium or otherwise? Basta!

This is a serious blow to cheese-lovers and porn-lovers alike, like the first time you catch your parents fighting or when you find out that Froot Loops are actually all the same flavor.

Do what you must, Pornhub. But leave the cheese out of it. Or don't. The rest of us will find some way to get our rind on, regardless.