This Week in Food Porn: Matcha and Mushrooms

As I write this, I'm sipping a cup of coffee the colour and temperature of pond water. My toast has gone cold. I haven't brushed my teeth. I am also in a pair of XL men's tartan pyjamas and some lime green sports socks. Just to "paint you the picture," as it were.

If, like me, you're simply too busy to stand at people's kitchen windows and stare, silently, at what they're having for lunch, then please avail yourself below of the best meals, morsels, and munchies uploaded to Instagram this week.

I need to shower.

Voor het deeg van appeltaart heb je hard vet nodig. Dit recept combineert hard vet voor stevigheid en structuur, met zacht vet voor een zo gezond mogelijk product. Bakken maar! Zie voor het recept de link in onze bio of kijk op www.vettefeiten.nl • #appeltaart #margarine #hardvet #vloeibaremargarine #goedevetten #vettefeiten #recept #recepten #taart #genieten #instafood #foodporn #foodpost #recipe #recipes #applepie #TGIF #weekend #herfst #gezonder

A photo posted by VetteFeiten (@vettefeiten_nl) on Oct 20, 2016 at 11:50pm PDT

Now that the Bank of England has started turning all of our five pound notes into what feels like poorly laminated membership cards to a suburban leisure centre, I suppose it's only a matter of time until this apple lattice pie replaces the portcullis on the back of one penny coins and we get a stiff meringue on the back of the 50p piece.

Tonight's special of wagyu rib fillet, shitake, charred radicchio, roast onion. #foodgasm #foodporn #wagyubeef #spicersretreats #brisbane #bne #gettingold

A photo posted by Spicers Balfour Hotel (@spicersbalfour) on Oct 20, 2016 at 11:49pm PDT

So, apparently, if you massage cows with enough Body Shop Marjoram and Rose body oil, play it old episodes of Miss Marple, brush its teeth with honey and whatever else they do to wagyu cattle these days, their flesh turns into a pomegranate. I'm sure they're thrilled.

Again, not #cleaneating, not #lowcarb, not #lowfat and definitely not #sugarfree, but preeetty yummy!! Thanks to @mininicki126 for the inspiration #foodie #foodporn #instafood #chocolate #chocolatelovers #chocolatecake #cakedecorating #baking #kindersurprise #kinderschokobons #kinderbueno #giotto #raffaelo #toffifee #marthastewart #marthabakes

A photo posted by Christina Henke (@christinajoanah) on Oct 20, 2016 at 11:49pm PDT

I really did think that was one of those massive shells people use as a soap dish that you can buy for a pound outside "bits 'n' bobs" shops on a pier, shoved into the middle of a basket of chocolates when I first looked at it. But apparently not. It's just a heart attack on a slab of marble.

I almost couldn't speak when I tasted this dish. The best course of one of the most brilliant meals of my life. Huge, hand dived seasonal wild Hokkaido oyster which has been perfectly poached in a teapot of sake-laced dashi with its own juices and served in the shell with matsutake mushrooms. The little bowl to the side is for sipping the briny dashi and had Yuzu zest rubbed all over the rim. Special thanks to the lovely concierge Hiromi @suiran_kyoto for getting me into this place for an early sitting. #japanesecuisine #tempuramatsu #kyoto #rosiefoodietravels #visitjapan

A photo posted by Rosie Birkett (@rosiefoodie) on Oct 20, 2016 at 7:10am PDT

Talking of shells … to be honest, if I wanted to chew on what looks like a gently sweating testicle and a couple of chunks of Edam, I could probably arrange that at home. Still, it's nice to get out, isn't it?

#Foodporn by @thedelicious

A photo posted by LUXURY FREAK (@luxury_freak) on Oct 20, 2016 at 11:02pm PDT

When faced with a platter, I suddenly develop all the self control of an incontinent labrador sliding down a log flume. Never have I left a buffet situation in anything less than near-morbid digestive extension. Even on a ferry. In Scotland.

#Seasonal #spiralizing! Autumn means #squash and #beetroot noodles, like this special dish of ours with goats' cheese and pesto, shot beautifully by @eatinmykitchen for her wonderful debut #eatinmykitchenbook. Congrats Meike! M x #hemsleyspiralizer #spiralising #courgetti #zoodles

A photo posted by Jasmine + Melissa (@hemsleyhemsley) on Oct 12, 2016 at 4:31am PDT

Oh, look! Prince made us all some spaghetti from beyond the grave.

» Pumpkin-Spice-Latte « Guten Morgen ihr Lieben. ♡ Vor ein paar Tagen habe ich versucht das berühmte Starbucks Getränk nachzumachen- ich muss sagen es war relativ anstrengend (habe auch das Kürbispüree selbst gemacht). Und mit dem Ergebnis war ich nicht 100%ig zufrieden, aber ich werde es auf jeden Fall noch weiter versuchen. Habt einen schönen Freitag.♡ • #gutenmorgen #friyay #pumpkin #pumpkinspice #pumpkinspicelatte #selfmade #coffee #coffeelover #autumn #autumnvibes #starbucks #psl # #bblogger #foodporn #cinnamon

A photo posted by @miss._fair on Oct 20, 2016 at 11:50pm PDT

Ah, Autumn. To swell the gourd and plump the hazel shells with a sweet kernel; sometimes thou dost steady thy laden head across a brook, or by a cider press, with patient look, and watchest the last oozings hours by hours, as rosy clouds bloom the soft-dying day. As Keats literally never tweeted.

. mr makinası; . bundan 4 sene kadar önce ilk mr tecrübemi gerçekleştirmiştim. neden böyle birşeye dahil olduğumu şimdi çok hatirlayamasamda (unutkan ben) soğuk bir odada , doktorun hiç kımıldamamam gerektiğini söylediği sözle birlikte yavaşça beyin mr ı çekimine başlamıştık. ilk 4 dakikanın dinginligine birşey diyemiyorum elbette ama sonrasında, yutkunma ve göz kirpma isteği geldiği bir gerçek.. benim gibi çok azcik ortalama eğitim seviyesinin üzerinde birisine "hiç kımıldama" derseniz eğer, yavaş nefes alma dışında tüm fonksiyonlarınin sigortasini kapama algısı oluşur. derken mr makinesinin sessizliği, gözlerimin tek noktaya sabitlenmesi sonucu yarı ölüm gibi bir durumu tecrübe etme neticesinde, çıkarın beni buradan diye bağırmam 15 dakikamı almıştı.. evet ölmekten korkmuyordum.

A photo posted by Fazlı. (@gokyuzumutfagi) on Oct 21, 2016 at 12:14am PDT

I see your mum's taking the news well. Of course, she's absolutely fine with you bringing another man home—she loves gay people. She just calls them people, actually. Of course she does, darling. That man—Carl, is it?—who works as a lifeguard, he plucks his eyebrows, apparently. And she once gave him a lift to the station. She's absolutely fine about it. I don't know why you keep asking!

Produits de saison et #physalis #orangé #colorisdoctobre #farmersmarket #stilllife #slowliving#livethelittlethings #onmytable #beautyofstillmoments #postitfortheaesthetic #foodieflatlays #foodstyling #autumnvibes #couleursdautomne #nothingisordinary #still_life_gallery #tv_stilllife #tv_lifestyle #flatlayforever #thefeedfeed #livefolk #f52grams #thatauthenticfeeling #beautyyouseek #inspiremyinstagram #theartofslowliving

A photo posted by @bea7507 on Oct 21, 2016 at 12:25am PDT

Is there anything quite as confoundingly exciting as eating an actual flower? I remember the first time I opened the papery leaves of a physalis to discover the world's smallest, hardest orange on the top of a pavlova. That was some kind of Alice in Wonderland shit. I ate four.

Some more spookalicious fun for you in the lead up to Halloween. Why not try these Matcha GF Buckwheat pancakes with Blackberry Spirulina Ooze I'll put the recipe on the blog. Link in profile I hope you all have great Friday evening Big thanks to @letscookvegan and @matcha_maiden for the recent features Halloween Matcha Pancakes with Blackberry Spirulina sauce (Serves 1) 1/4 cup buckwheat flour @thesourcerhodes 1 Tbsp rice flour 2 Tbsp Arrowroot (Tapioca) flour 1 egg replacer, flax or chia egg 1 tsp matcha powder @matcha_maiden Handful baby spinach leaves 1/2 tsp bicarb soda (baking soda) 1 tsp vanilla extract 1 Tbsp coconut oil @biomedicalsaus 1/3 cup almond milk (to consistency) Natural sweetener to taste (Granulated stevia, coconut sugar, rice malt syrup) Cook in a non stick pan over medium low for a couple of minutes each side Sauce 1/2 cup frozen blackberries 1 tsp tropical spirulina powder @natureswayoz Rice malt or maple syrup to taste Blend all until smooth. Add some water as required to consistency #veganpancakes#halloween#spirulina#iqs#refinedsugarfree#matcha

A photo posted by Jo (@healthyeating_jo) on Oct 21, 2016 at 12:22am PDT

This isn't scary—this is just what crumpets looked like when they'd come out of my great aunt Enid's larder.