Restaurant Confessionals
These Are the Worst Jokes That Waiters Tell for Better Tips
"I think the customers like my jokes. I guess you kinda have to be there to get it at the time."
Why You Should Never Cancel Your Dinner Reservation Last Minute
In a restaurant the size of mine, our margins are so tight that if I get a table of four that doesn’t turn up, the best I can hope for is to break even.
I Delivered Edible Arrangements to Dead People, Side Chicks, and Celebrities
Everyone is so thrilled to get these weird topiaries of fruit, and every day, I’d get a glimpse into someone else’s life.
How to Survive a Bar Brawl
"Anything that anyone could get their hands on, they were grabbing it. I saw one guy get hit by a table and he just bounced back and punched the other guy."
All the Horrific Things I’ve Witnessed as a Wedding Caterer
“The groom popped two pills quite openly before his speech. That kicked the night off.”
Why I Only Sleep with Bartenders
"Every single person I’ve slept with for the last four years is a narcissist with a drinking problem."
How These Servers Got Revenge on Obnoxious Customers
"We once decided to make her a regular hamburger with real meat instead of the veggie patty."
What My Line Cook's Heroin Overdose Taught Me About Owning a Restaurant
"I spent years replaying the chain of events that led to Phil’s death in my head. And to this day, I have no idea if I fucked up by giving him that money."
In 2017, Some Chefs Still Don’t Understand Sexual Harassment
Being drunk isn't an excuse for putting the moves on anyone who explicitly tells you no.
All of the Terrible Things I Learned While Working as a Barista at a Global Coffee Chain
There were mice in the madeleines. There were mice behind the walk-in. There were mice giving birth in bags of powdered frappé mix in the basement.
Why You Should Never Break Up with Someone at a Bar
If you bartend for long enough, you'll see a lot of weird, dramatic breakups, like women pulling out each other's weaves over Facebook "likes."