Can't you just key your coworker's car door like a normal bitter adult?
Photo via Flickr user Edward Kimber
Baking a pan of Dulcolax brownies, cutting them into squares, and passing them out to everyone who sucks is an idea that we all had in, like, the 8th grade. Sure, it’s tempting, but most of us will make it out of middle school without intentionally liquefying our classmates’ intestines. And most of us never consider that idea again, and certainly don’t grow up to become the kind of people who’d give a plate of laxative brownies to a coworker on his last day in the office.
We say “most of us,” because a 47-year-old Michigan woman decided that her soon-to-be ex-coworker needed to spend his last workday in the men’s room with his Dockers bunched around his ankles. According to MLive.com, police were called to MMI Engineered Solutions in Saline, Michigan, after another employee reported the woman’s plan. The brownies were confiscated and handed over to the cops before they were served to anyone. (And a shout-out to that person, who realised that this might be an acceptable occasion to snitch).
"A lot of times you see it in movies or TV shows where someone tries to do this or play a joke, but it's very serious," Saline Police Chief Jerrod Hart said. "It's a criminal act [...] There's just so much going on in the world, to create a problem like this is unnecessary and it's criminal."
When officers interviewed the woman, she initially denied adding any shit-inducing ingredients, but when they told her that they would be forensically tested, she confessed. The woman also denied having any “previous tension” with the brownies’ intended recipient, but come on, you don’t do this kind of thing to your friends. (If you do, you’re, uh, made entirely of garbage). Other employees suggested that the two had been involved in previous disagreements, but “the nature of the spat” was not known.
The woman is not facing any criminal charges—possibly because no one ate her brownies—but she has been fired from her position at MMI Engineered Solutions.
Somehow, contaminating other people’s food and drinks as revenge is still very much a thing in 2018. Earlier this year, a Minnesota man was fired from a Perkins restaurant after he admitted that he had been urinating in a female coworker’s water bottle. According to the Pioneer Press, Conrrado Cruz Perez began peeing in the woman’s bottle after she told him that she didn’t want to be involved with him romantically. At first, he denied being involved, but after officers threatened him with a DNA test, he confessed. He was charged with two misdemeanor counts of adulterating a substance with bodily fluids.
So, can we all agree that fucking with your coworkers’ food or drinks or water bottles is unnecessary? If you find that you’re in constant conflict with someone at work, at least handle that situation like an adult: Schedule a meeting with a human resources representative and then key the shit out of their car door.