This Instant Coffee Gives You an Instant Boner

Stiff Bull has failed to seduce the FDA—by allegedly including an unlisted ingredient in its pour-and-stir coffee packets, one similar to the active ingredient in Viagra.

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Sep 22 2016, 9:30am

American caffeine fans will know Folgers Coffee for its mellow advertising jingle, which describes the beverage as the "best part of wakin' up."

In contrast, Stiff Bull Coffee missed a real opportunity to brand itself as the "best part of gettin' it up." It opted for the boring and improperly punctuated slogan "The Relationship Saver" instead.

Unfortunately, Stiff Bull has already ruined its own relationship with the US Food and Drug Administration—by allegedly including an unlisted ingredient in its pour-and-stir coffee packets, one similar to the active ingredient in Viagra.

On its website, Stiff Bull Coffee asks the question, "Would you like to stay harder longer?" Those who enthusiastically nod their heads are encouraged to drink a cup of its coffee, which contains a blend of tongkat ali, maca root, and guarana. The product suggests that those herbs can make your penis hard enough to drive nails through sheetrock, and that you might enjoy that feeling for "up to two to three days." But according to the FDA, those coffee packets also contain desmethyl carbodenafil, which is "structurally similar" to sildenafil, the active ingredient in name-brand boner drug Viagra.

The coffee's label, from the <a href=company website. ">

The coffee's label, from the company website.

"This undeclared ingredient may interact with nitrates found in some prescription drugs such as nitroglycerin and may lower blood pressure to dangerous levels," the FDA wrote in its warning to consumers. The agency also explains that even the most flaccid members of the public should be wary of any dietary supplements that advertise their sexual benefits, as they may contain ingredients that aren't listed on the packaging. That goes for Stiff Bull Coffee or, you know, any those pills or packets that are hanging from a rotating metal display at the Exxon station.

"Prior to this stoppage, the product had been tested by the FDA and they never found any of the hidden ingredients in it," Stiff Bull president Roger Thompson told MUNCHIES. "But the manufacturer thought it was cheaper to be dishonest, versus paying the extra money for the tongkat ali and the maca root."

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According to UPI, this is the 33rd product that the FDA has placed on its list of Tainted Sexual Enhancement Products, along with other reputable-sounding supplements like My Steel Woody, Bull Genital, and Wonder Erect, which were also found to contain unlisted ingredients that were similar to prescription erectile dysfunction drugs.

Thompson said that Stiff Bull is now working with a new Malaysia-based manufacturer and the next shipment of the product will include only what's written on the package. "Everything will be done to ensure that we adhere to all of the FDA guidelines," he said. Thompson believes that Stiff Bull will again be available for purchase within the next 30 days.

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But dudes, if you need something stronger than Folgers, you might just want to call your doctor.