The MUNCHIES Election Night Drinking Game
Tonight, we're pretty certain that the vast majority of America will be getting drunk. Very, very, super, ultra drunk. And we’re here to help.
Well, friends, Election Day is here. Hope your doomsday bunker is stocked with all of the canned green beans that your paltry post-recession salary could buy!
We know what you'll be doing all morning: voting, because you absolutely, definitely should. We also know how you'll be spending the remainder of your time at work: obsessively checking the news, sweating profusely, and potentially crying into your coffee as your hands tremble and the capillaries in your eyes burst.
And after that, we're pretty certain that the vast majority of America will be getting drunk. Very, very, super, ultra drunk. And we're here to help.
We've come up with this handy drinking game—suitable for the bar or at home—to help guide you through the unbearable tension of your cable network of choice counting and calling each swing state, and the desperate alcohol consumption that this process will inevitably lead you to. We'll escort you from east to west on a drinking journey across our great (or, in some opinions, soon-to-be "great again") nation, with dedicated beverages for the outcomes of ten swingiest of swing states.
If CLINTON wins, drink a hot apple cider spiked with rum.
At the beginning of a cold election night, what better way for Clinton supporters to calm their Twitter-jangled nerves than with an alcoholic version of New Hampshire's state drink? If you're feeling ambitious, check out this MUNCHIES recipe for hard apple cider, but you can always just heat up some apple juice in the microwave and then dump a fuckload of rum in it. It's been a long year, you deserve it.
If TRUMP wins, shotgun a can of Yuengling.
Last month, the guy in charge of Yuengling—a solid beer enjoyed by Americans across the political spectrum—endorsed Trump, leading to a lot of social media caterwauling and calls by the anti-Trump crowd to boycott the brewery. Pounding a Yuengling can would be a good way to show all those people up. For bonus points, refuse to recycle the can to get back at all those environmentalists.
If CLINTON wins, drink a glass of wine made from Viognier grapes.
On the other end of the spectrum from those Yuengling-swilling deplorables is the refined Clinton wine sipper. Viognier is Virginia's official wine grape, and it's known for making full-bodied, fruity white wines. Drink a glass to celebrate a Clinton win in Virginia; if Clinton loses the state, a sure sign she's in trouble, break out a whole bottle.
If TRUMP wins, take a generous swill of moonshine.
No drink matches Trump's disdain for the rules like moonshine—historically an illegal backwoods way to get tanked, but now a fine, perfectly lawful beverage. The outsider is now the establishment! The revolution is now televised! Whatever, drink moonshine. You can even buy the NC-made stuff.
If TRUMP wins, drink a Pineapple Island Sour.
Ah, Florida. In addition to being a hub of unusual criminal activity and one of the most crucial and temperamental of swing states, it's also a fabulous place to kick up your feet with a little-paper-parasol-garnished rum cocktail. Should Trump claim victory in America's wang, it only seems appropriate to sip on one of the very sweet, very tropical cocktails from the Trump Resort Miami. The Pineapple Island Sour (Bacardi, pineapple sour, and dark rum) from the resort's bar Gili's Beach Club should do the trick (and sounds like it will come with a massive hangover as a bonus).
If CLINTON wins, drink a Hudepohl Light.
Hudepohl Light—a.k.a. Hudy Delight—isn't fancy, but it is a classic and beloved party beer in Ohio. With a "poor" rating of 69 on Beer Advocate (one user notes that they "simply couldn't even entertain myself with this and had to eventually pour it out") and a slightly sweet, corn-syrupy flavor, this beer has its problems but can serve a real purpose in the correct setting. In this case, its purpose will be toasting an unlikely Clinton victory that would put the final nail in the Trump campaign's coffin.
If TRUMP wins, take a shot of whiskey and drink a cup of corn silk tea.
Corn just might be America's most versatile crop, and there's no state more linked to the stuff than the Midwestern land of Iowa. As a corny man himself in so many respects, gold-toupéed Trump has a good chance of winning Iowa's six electoral votes. If he does, take a shot of corn whiskey—there are quite a few local brands—and wash it down with a relaxing cup of corn silk tea, which is purportedly good for bladder and prostate function.
If CLINTON wins, do a bong rip!
By the time the polls close in Colorado, it'll be 10 PM on the East Coast, and if you're following the rules for this game, you might be edging into that zone where you sort of forget you have work on Wednesday. Take a bong rip, turn a Coke can into a pipe, roll a cross joint, or down some weed gummies. It's what Clinton would want, right? She's chill, right?
If MCMULLIN wins, drink a "dirty soda."
Utah just might be the only state where a third-party candidate has even an outside shot of winning, and it's not just Evan McMullin—everyone's favorite independent conservative—that Mormons love. They're also fans of "dirty soda," a pretty unique fountain drink concept that's kind of like a suicide on steroids. If McMulllin miraculously trumps Trump (and Clinton) in Utah, take a break from alcohol for a moment to guzzle a Coke with seven pumps of coconut syrup and some grenadine in it.
If CLINTON wins, drink a margarita (or at least a tequila shot).
Although the origins of the margarita remain mysterious, there are a few bars that lay claim to its conception. One of those bars is Las Vegas's own Hussong's Cantina, which tells a tale of the drink's creation there in 1941. Look, maybe they did, and maybe they didn't—this election, as we've learned is not about truth, but about which truth you believe. Either way, if the state goes blue, you'd best throw back a margarita or at least a tequila shot, both for the state's history and for the Mexicans who will no longer have to deal with Trump's hypothetical border wall. Trump International Hotel is just a couple miles down the strip from Hussong's, too. Sad!