This Week in Food Porn: Hot Dogs and Cold Plums

A new dawn. A new year. A new fear that you may have done yourself permanent intestinal damage over the holidays. What better time to take to the internet and look for some serious food porn #inspo? All those bowls of optimistic vegan intentions, bulletproof fruit concoctions, and Dry January convictions. All those hashtags heckling you into a fat-free, wholegrain, high fibre future where your eyes will glisten and your bowels be like Swiss quartz.

Instead of wasting hours of good eating time scrolling through endless pictures of babies, proposals, wilted Christmas trees, and half-baked ideas, allow us to spoonfeed you the very best food porn the heart-shaped, square-cut world of Instagram has to offer.

ROUND II of this addicting WATERMELON NICECREAM - a combination of fro nanas and chilled watermelon meat this time! A much more simpler combo and so damn delicious! #radplantlife

A photo posted by Lina Saber | NYC | Earthling (@bysaber) on Jan 7, 2016 at 7:35pm PST

Winter has decided to act like April so why not crack out two high-contrast, technicolour orbs of summer loving and those super cute wooden spoons you optimistically bought in the hope of future picnics? It's "nice cream" season, after all.

Plums are slowly ripening in the secret plum foraging spot #forage #freefood #plum A photo posted by Caroline Parker (@thecottageherbalist) on Jan 7, 2016 at 9:12pm PST

Did you know that after his death, it was discovered that the one-time emperor and amateur Phil Collins lookalike Napoleon Bonaparte had just one testicle? A lone plum, hanging silent below the French military perineum? No wonder he was so good at marching.

Communing with my spirit animal! Took my carrot soup leftovers and thinned it out with some coconut milk and chicken stock, added veggies, noodles, and a soft-boiled egg for some breakfast ramen!

A photo posted by Christine (@c.r.a.v.i.n.g.s) on Jan 7, 2016 at 11:08am PST

Surely, nothing spells "detox" like an egg-sliced breakfast bowl of ramen? Ramen on empty, if you will.

Beets and Burgundian Truffled Goat Cheese. Red beer agrodulce, Cara Cara Orange, Blood Orange, gold beets, chiogia beets, shaved Burgundian Truffle, and pretty blossoms I picked on my way to work this morning. #soigne #soignewest #soigneallday #truecooks #theartofplating #plateswagger #chefstalk #chefsofinstagram #gitanesf #sanfrancisco #415 #bayareachefs #eatersf #artculinairemagazine @artculinairemagazine #michelininspectors #gastronomia #gastroart #gastroporn #foodporn #forage #desire #push #finesse #finedining #everylittledetail #itsallaboutthefinesse #like #follow #photooftheday A photo posted by SoigneWest (@soignewest) on Jan 7, 2016 at 6:05pm PST

My walk to work is a cornucopia of regurgitated kebabs, discarded chicken bones, and empty cans of Nurishment balanced on top of BT cable posts. For the executive chef at Gitanes, however, the morning commute is a multi-coloured forage fiesta of cara cara orange, chiogia beets, and shaved Burgundian truffle. Well, that's fine. Just fine.

Creamy, dreamy salted PB and raspberry #raw #vegan cheesecake bites are 110% my snack of choice atm recipe coming to the blog next week! made with all my goodies from @thesourcebulkfoods Don't forget to enter my #nn100k party details two posts ago

A photo posted by Melanie Lionello Nutritionist (@naturally_nutritious) on Jan 7, 2016 at 9:06pm PST

I don't really know what goes into a vegan cheesecake, to be honest. I don't know how far you can whip soy before it becomes a building material and I don't know if you can actually squeeze the teats of an almond. But I do know that I'm staring up the orifice of a blush-pink raspberry and having some pretty elicit feelings.

#thefiveoclockapron Syrian style lentils with yoghurt, coriander & brown butter pinenuts A photo posted by Claire Thomson (@5oclockapron) on Jan 2, 2016 at 9:17am PST

The world and its wife are going crazy for lentils this year. The edible pulse is beating like a drum and we've all decided to shake a legume like a polaroid picture—which is a sigh of relief for livestock everywhere, I'm sure. But if I'm going to chow down on the contents of a pod, I'm probably going to dose it up with buttered pine nuts and a shitload of yogurt, too.

Chicken breast & chicken wing with celeriac purée, celeriac crumble, pearl onion, shimeji mushrooms, braised lettuce & almond milk. By - @rzkzulkifli #ChefsOfInstagram

A photo posted by chefsofinstagram (@chefsofinstagram) on Jan 7, 2016 at 7:08pm PST

Remember when we all decided that we needed a new piece of punctuation? Some sort of declaratory exclamation point that signalled towards delighted confusion and questioning surprise? Well, my friends, I think we've found it. Oh look, chicken! And foam? Oh f*&k, is that deep fried Mini Milk? What the @!"£>$^

The iconic Paper Dosa of Ramashray Picture by - @sanketj20. Location - Ramashray Follow @bottomsupmumbai and @Munchydessert DM us to get featured or use #MunchyMumbai #food #foodie #epic #foodgasm #foodlove #foodporn #foodblog #foodblogger #foodlover #foodieofmumbai #mumbai #mumbaifood A photo posted by MunchyMumbai™ (@munchymumbai) on Jan 7, 2016 at 10:47pm PST

Ah, fuck it. If you can't, from time to time, chow down a dosa the size of a telegraph pole with the lads, wearing your favourite plaid shirt and cupping your hands over your genitals like footballers at a penalty shootout then frankly, you're not really eating at all. You're just surviving. You're just refuelling.

"Give freedom to colours and then you shall meet the rainbow everywhere!" ― Mehmet Murat ildan #tbt #adelphoto Captured for Elle Decoration South Africa a few years ago #elledeco #decor #vsco #vscofood #foodie #foodphotography #kalmoesfontein

A photo posted by Adel Ferreira (@adel_ferreira) on Jan 8, 2016 at 1:56am PST

"What's for dinner, Mum?" "I'm making your favourite." "Really? Lasagna and chips?" "No, darling. A raw quartered cabbage and giant gourd, washed down with a glass of cold air and a ceramic brassica for afters." "Woohoo! BEST. DAY. EVER."

Hotdog at the Gabba #thegabba #theheat #brisbaneheat #hotdog A photo posted by BRISBANE FOOD BLOG (@guzzlengnaw) on Jan 8, 2016 at 1:54am PST

Up yours, January. I'm going to put my head in a giant, salted corn bucket and eat reconstituted pig arseholes covered in mustard. And there's sweet fuck all you can do about it.