Cooking Bacon on the Barrel of Your Gun Is the Most American Thing Ever
Gun enthusiasts are taking to YouTube to show off their favorite new culinary appliance for cooking up a few bacon strips: assault rifles. This is the new face of patriotism.
Ameri-cuhhhh! True patriots say the Pledge of Allegiance every morning, eat a giant meal of bacon and sausage, and hit the gun range for a quick session of target practice. (The best may even make time for a rousing performance of "The Star-Spangled Banner," a couple of cheeseburgers made with domestic beef, a few more hours of gun-shootin', and a dinner of Angus steak.)
But some highly resourceful 'Mericans have decided to combine their loves of meat and firearms by inventing a method of cooking bacon … via gun.
Competitive shooter Dustin Ellermann released a video on March 3 that shows him wrapping uncooked bacon around the barrel of an M16 assault rifle and cooking it through by firing off about 90 rounds. "So much 'Merica right now," he whispers softly in its opening seconds.
He calls the method "The Gun Grill." It takes about three minutes of shooting to cook the bacon to his standard of perfection, helped by a layer of foil that keeps it held tightly to the barrel. Shells fly furiously. Smoke wafts from the gun's muzzle. A distinct sizzling noise emits.
Finally he unwraps the "grill" and removes the bacon with tongs, chewing it in the back of his pickup truck with great satisfaction and many exclamations of "Yeah! YEAH!"
"Let's go kill some more pigs," he says to a friend off-camera.
Viewers are delighted, lauding Ellerman as a "true American hero" and referring to the clip as "maybe the most American video ever." BulletinEcho.com—a source for "Breaking News & Headlines From Alabama"—comments, "Someplace in the United States, a bald eagle is shedding a single tear, triumph over by the blessed beauty of this terrific nation. It can be because of American patriots like Dustin Ellermann that we continue to be the biggest region in the globe."
Though Ellerman is being credited as the inventor of the method by some sources, there are other gunmen who have tried similar feats in the past.
There was a small rash (no pun intended) of gun-grilling videos that surfaced on YouTube circa April 2013. User "MattV2099: Guns & Food" attempts to create brown sugar- and molasses-candied bacon on the barrel of his Saiga 12 shotgun, though to less appetizing results.
His lack of a foil barrier caused pieces of the bacon to fling from the muzzle and shred the bacon into a limp, brown meat scarf—although that didn't stop him from eating it.
(His following video, which looks intriguing, is titled "The Red Jello Glock.")
User "FPSRussia" also experimented rather unsuccessfully with an "AK-47 Bacon Sundae." In this case, the gun was probably just not quite the correct culinary appliance for his needs.
A bald eagle is definitely crying somewhere, but it's unclear why.
This article previously appeared on MUNCHIES in March 2015.