Man Caught on Camera Shoving Entire Subway Footlong Down His Pants

Earlier this year, Subway CEO Trevor Haynes announced that the sandwich chain would no longer force its franchisees to sell $5 footlongs. In an interview with USA Today, Haynes said that a large number of franchise owners were way over that promotion, mostly because they struggled to turn a profit on those deeply discounted—but very popular—sandwiches.

"How do we help our franchises with more of a regional value message, so they're able to [have] a value proposition that fits with their economic model," Haynes said in September. "If you look at California, there's a very different cost of business than in Arkansas."

That’s true. And it’s also true that there’s a different cost of business in Florida, where one customer was caught on camera shoving a footlong sub down his pants before walking out of the store without paying for it. The $0 Footlong wasn’t some kind of flash sale: it was just a random dude in a backwards baseball cap deciding that he’d rather let his food touch his junk than hand over a fiver and change.

According to the Polk County Sheriff, the incident took place at a Subway that is inside a Marathon Gas Station in Lakeland, Florida. The Sheriff’s Department is also professional enough to refrain from making the kinds of jokes that could be made about this situation. “While inside the business, the suspect concealed a foot long sandwich in the front of his pants. Now, stop right there. We know what you are thinking,” they wrote on Facebook. “Please resist—this is a respectable Facebook page. We are just reporting the facts.”

The facts are that yes, the guy stole a footlong and yes, the Polk County Sheriff’s Department is actively investigating this sandwich crime (or this crime against a sandwich, depending on the state of his genital region). “Some of you may think we're overdoing it by trying to identify the suspect of a relatively minor theft,” they wrote. “One of you is probably even saying, ‘This is small potatoes!’ And to that we would reply, ‘No..this was a foot long sandwich, not potatoes. Pay attention!’” (Between this post and the emojified Christmas songs they keep tweeting, it may be a safe assumption there aren’t a lot of ongoing investigations in Winter Park, Florida right now.)

The as-yet-unidentified man purchased a Polar Pop before leaving the gas station, and he then rearranged his crotch sandwich so that he could ride away on a bicycle. If you happen to recognize this person from the above security camera screenshots, then you’re encouraged to contact Detective J. Leblanc at 863-577-1600 or 863-577-1614, or to call Heartland Crime Stoppers at 1-800-226-TIPS (8477). Anonymity is guaranteed, even if you just give them a ring to tell them how much Subway sucks. (Do not do this.)

“This should also serve as notice to all as to why you do not take food from a stranger,” the cops wrote. “You don't know where it's been.”