Blend All of These Totally Weird YouTube Videos Into One Messed Up Piña Colada
Here is how to make a piña colada in your brain by watching bizarre, coconutty internet videos.
Do you like piña coladas? And getting caught in the rain?
The former: yes, duh. The latter: not usually. Maybe if you were with the right person, a babe that answered your highly detailed personals ad, and were feeling tremendously sexy at that particular moment.
But back to the piña coladas. As you may have realized long ago through your own personal excavation or our Hot Links column, the internet is an absolutely insane smorgasbord of freaky shit, from web cams documenting the growth of bathroom tile fungus to people banging while dressed as the Rescue Rangers, and everything in between. But suppose you could harness all of the magic found in a bonkers realm such as YouTube, place it in a blender, and liquefy that brain fodder into a cool cocktail?
Well, we'll try to do that for you.
Today, we've obviously got piña coladas on the brain. Not only have we shared the ultimate piña colada recipe with you sweet MUNCHIES minions, but we also sent our correspondent Alicia Kennedy to some of San Juan's most legendary bars to decode the origins of the beloved creamy coconut booze slushie. But let's reach deeper still, into the bowels of the internet, and pull out its tropical guts.
If you're making a piña colada from scratch, the first step is to open the coconut and get all of that meat out. If you have a mallet or a hammer or a machete or whatever casually laying around, that's not a problem. But let's say you don't, and you really need to get deep in that coconut, man. Well, make like this guy, totally disregard any danger to your face, teeth, or jaw, and just smack a coconut into your face repeatedly, ripping strips of its surely lovely-tasting fibers off with your ferocious maw, until none remain. Worse, I don't think this actually qualifies as opening a coconut. DO try this at home and let us know how it goes! Good luck!
Are you feeling dirty? Do you want to see a bad, bad coconut get punished like the filthy little slut that it is? Then you'll love this video! Bet you didn't even know that coconuts needed to be disciplined, but oh, do they ever. But if you're watching this clip in earnestness, you're probably more interested in those sandals than in what will happen to the sweet meat of the coconut after it's been stomped.
Here is a one-second video of a pineapple wearing pants. Someone made this video, saved it, and uploaded it to YouTube. Hmm.
This man is efficiently making an artisan broom out of locally grown coconut leaves. The noise made by shredding the leaves is absolutely terrible, like nails on a chalkboard, but that's part of the embedded cost of getting your cleaning supplies handmade. Don't miss the opening of his artisan coconut broom shop Slice & Sweep in Williamsburg in 2017!
The great thing about watching drawing/painting videos on YouTube is that it always seems like the finished piece of art is going to be absolutely horrible. You're watching this person do these wide, awkward sweeps of brown and smudges of dusty blue and wondering how the hell it will ever actually form into a coherent, let alone attractive, image. But then by some creepy miracle they add a sliver of white or a sheen of mint and the whole thing comes together into a depiction way better than you or I could do. This piña colada painting is a divine gift.
If you're a Spanish-speaker who enjoys gelatin molds and is a huge fan of classic Sanrio characters, have we got just the video for you! Bienvenidos to the most adorable piña colada-flavored Hello Kitty Jell-O mold of your life, guaranteed! You've always wondered how to make such a thing, and here are all of the answers you've been waiting for!
Pretty weird pineapple, amirite?
If you hang around YouTube—or the internet in general—for long enough, you'll discover that a shockingly high number of people are only capable of emoting through fantasy scenarios of video game characters that they've come to feel close to. It's sort of like the movie Avatar except that they aren't on a jungle planet, they don't physically embody the characters that they're living vicariously through, and it's real life instead of a James Cameron movie. Anyways, here is a group of friends just dancing and having a great time together to the song "Piña Colada Boy." Nevermind that they're not "technically" "real" "people."
To bring it all home, we're going to have to bring it all Holmes. Rupert Holmes, that is, a.k.a. the genius behind "Escape (The Piña Colada Song)". The internet is strange and disturbing, sure, but it is also a source of great wonder and pleasure, such as in the fact that someone mashed up "Escape" with ILoveMakonnen's smash hit "Tuesday," and then even better that YouTube user fabioproductions decided to accent that chill-ass marriage with a poorly Photoshopped image of Drake drinking a piña colada. It may just be Monday, but the club can go up any day when you've combined the powers of contemporary hip hop and corny late-70s pop hits that are now mostly heard in hotel bars.
The internet can be a pretty great place to kick back—particularly if you're holding a coconut full of rum.
This post previously appeared on MUNCHIES in June, 2016.