Valentine’s Day comes with all sorts of pressures to impress your date in really outlandish ways. Flash mobs are our cursed, modern-day versions of singing telegrams, but worse, because they’re in a mall; teens continue to set the bar for romantic gestures obscenely high with elaborate promposals. And there's no chance in hell you're going to get a table at Extremely Cool Restaurant You've Been Meaning to Try because, well, you snoozed on the reservations again.

If your Valentine’s Day plans this year are going to include a significant other (or someone you’re tryna make your SO), drop the theatrics and opt for a sexy-but-not-serious home-cooked meal. You can treat your special someone to a romantic meal without tapered candles, white tablecloths, and a wine list full of words you can't understand.

Here are our favorite appetizers, cocktails, entrees, sides and desserts for a V-Day meal that keeps your night of romancing fun and—as is the nature of this most ridiculous of corporate holidays—a little absurd.

You might not be able to swing a spontaneous trip to some romantic getaway for Valentine's, but this decadent appetizer is a like taking a mini-tour of two of the best foods New Orleans has to offer: beignets and chicory coffee, but all dressed up with braised duck and a creamy foie gras sauce.

A pork pâté is a pretty rustic, but labor-intensive, French dish. What better way to make your special someone feel extra special than taking the extra effort to make your date night snack a little nicer than Ritz crackers and Cheddar cheese cubes?

Making a classic fondue keeps your V-Day whimsical and fun—dunking your food in cheese sauce is always fun—and relatively easy to set up. That leaves you more time to find a music option less on-the-nose than Marvin Gaye to set the mood.

Don’t underestimate the power of this natural aphrodisiac—or at least, the potential placebo effect of a good oyster. Ramps aren’t quite in season, but you can use scallions instead.

Every night of romance needs a touch of luxe. Let that little something be a few milligrams of caviar with buckwheat waffles instead of the traditional pancakes. (Don’t know where to even start with fish eggs? We got you covered with the VICE Guide to Caviar.)

Need a good drink to calm your nerves? Keep it classy with this cannabis-infused martini. Swap in CBD instead if that better speaks to your date night needs.

This riff on the classic martini—this time with caviar-infused bitters and top-of-the-line Russian vodka—comes from the skilled hands of the bartenders at London’s Ritz Hotel, where they sure know how to set the mood.

If you haven’t gotten over your Aperol Spritz obsession from the summer, this Aperol cocktail, featuring a little splash of orange and grapefruit juices, is a lighter way to start your meal.

Alright, the backstory of this citrus and tequila cocktail could jinx the hell out of your relationship, but just call it something else when you serve it to your date because this thing is good. Even better, blood oranges and pomegranates are at their peak right now.

If you want to keep your wits about you and make sure you don’t get embarrassingly sloppy-drunk before dessert, try this lower-alcohol cider and vermouth cocktail and go slow.

We know it’s Valentine’s Day, but we’ll go to bat for this fancy hot dog as the centerpiece of your meal. This is a serious, date-worthy hot dog—wrapped in bacon, slathered in truffle mayo, and covered in Gruyère cheese—that says "I take my boardwalk food seriously, but not myself."

Chicken cordon bleu is the kind of classic, nostalgia-inducing dish that looks kind of serious and old-school, but is in fact lots of fun. After all, it's basically a rolled up, cheesy chicken schnitzel. SEXY, amirite?

Valentine’s Day is the day you go for broke with your menu planning. In this case, almost literally, because a cut of steak this good and this huge is going to cost a pretty penny. But you can skip the shitty roses, because if you cook it perfectly, this rib-eye steak will be worth it.

This is a meal where presentation matters. Go all out with a show stopper like a homemade seafood tower, and whatever you were hoping for at the end of the night is pretty likely to happen. Plus, more oysters can only help your case.

Lasagnas are a labor of love, without a doubt. Show your dedication to making Valentine's Day dinner a meal to impress with this four-layer lasagna, perfect for vegans and the dairy-sensitive.

This asparagus and mushroom side is a little spicy, a little gingery, and heavy on the umami. It goes great with almost any main course.

Keep it light and bright with this super-easy-to-assemble chopped salad. Check your teeth for Brussels sprouts afterward, though. (Just lookin' out for you!)

Risotto is the kind of dish that, if prepared successfully, automatically makes the cook infinitely more date-able. It’s just science, trust us. This sausage and chianti risotto is satisfying enough that you can even make it your main course.

This update to the old stand-by of green bean amandine swaps in champagne vinegar and crispy, fatty bacon, because even salads can be a little decadent—especially on Valentine's Day.

The combination of roasted beets, salty goat cheese, and toasted hazelnuts is impossible to improve upon. And if the conversation is lagging by this point in the meal, there is no end to beet-related puns you can bust out for cheap laughs. Plus, it's pink, duh.

We’re not exactly sure why molten chocolate cakes are basically synonymous with Valentine’s Day at this point—Is oozing chocolate sexy? Is everyone just really nostalgic for the Chili’s of their youth?—but this recipe from Matty Matheson is damn good all the same.

Chocolate-covered strawberries are for chumps. Step it up a notch and end your meal with homemade chocolate-buckwheat pancakes drenched in a not-too-sweet berry coulis.

Yotam Ottolenghi and Helen Goh created flour-free perfection with this coconut-almond cake with glossy chocolate ganache. So shiny, so perfect, and the best way to impress a gluten-free date.

When it comes to romance, of course we've gotta take a little cue from the French. End your date night meal with an easy, build-your-own crepe filled with chocolate, berries, and whipped cream.

This amusing, interactive take on the grasshopper milkshake is for those who prefer to drink their dessert while also proving to their date that they're not afraid to have a good time.

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