Shirtless Man Breaks into Closed Mall and Steals Cookies, Ice Cream, and Cake

Maybe you spent the month of December saying “happy holidays” so you could be as inclusive as possible to everyone. Or maybe you feel personally victimized because Starbucks’ cups didn’t show the birth of Jesus in graphic detail. Maybe you’re convinced that there’s still a War on Christmas, or maybe you’re willing to start a War on Christmas, because your neighbors’ decorations will be out until mid-summer.

Regardless, we can pretty much all agree that we spent the final month of 2018 eating like complete assholes. There were office parties and neighborhood potlucks and just… all of those evenings when you bought a one-pound bag of peanut butter M&Ms from a Walgreens display and finished it while you hate-watched Hallmark movies. But none of us have matched the shameless holiday snack haul of this shirtless Australian guy.

As first reported by the Herald Sun, on Christmas Day, this still-unidentified solo bro let himself into a shopping center in Doncaster East, and helped himself to all the good stuff from the food court. The thirtysomething dude, who was wearing a pair of dark shorts and tan flip-flops—was caught on camera as he stole cookies, ice cream, and a cake. (And Australia’s response to this crime seems to be a shrug and a “No, we call them biscuits here, not cookies.”) The Victoria Police Department released a statement about the theft, and are urging anyone with information to call Crime Stoppers or to submit a confidential report online.

When you see the word “shirtless man” in a headline, you know the next few paragraphs are going to be A Ride. (See: “Shirtless Man Yelling ‘Less Donald Trump, More Techno Music’” and “Shirtless, Hammer-Wielding Man Rescued from Basketball Rim”; See Also: Iggy Pop). But at least this guy pretty much kept this crime between himself and his blood sugar levels.

In August 2017, a shirtless, pantsless 20-year-old went to Juicy Wingz in Pasadena, California, and proceeded to cause $10,000 in damages to the restaurant. Daniel Pimentel snapped crown molding off the walls, pulled a security camera out of the ceiling, broke a granite countertop and smashed a tablet computer. A few cookie—err, biscuits—don’t seem half-bad by comparison.

The holidays are behind us, though, and so are all of those binges on sausage balls and peanut butter M&Ms and stolen food court cakes. We hope the Victoria Police Department will let us know if that guy breaks in and takes some New Year’s resolution-friendly salad greens, though.