This Week in Food Porn: Baked Eggs, Mackerel, and Porridge

Remember when food gloating meant having to actually throw dinner parties?

Perish the thought. There was a time when if you wanted to revel in the beauty of your breakfast, you'd have to actually take someone home the night before. Oh, the humanity. Once upon a time, if you made a really banging cup of tea and sat it down on an adorable coaster, only the other people in a ten-metre radius would ever know. Never again. Never such innocence, never such suffering again.

For now, we are living in a 24-hour upload wonderland of peas, pudding, and saveloy. The internet has surrounded us with a technicolour paradise of hot sausage and mustard. Thanks to the power of our iPhones, the modern world of Instagram is a portal to a perfect existence of cold jelly and custard.

And to save you from getting a fleshy claw from all that scrolling, here we bring you the best in this week's food porn. Enjoy!

Ice cream is always a good idea Especially when it's free #whyonlyonewhenyoucanhavefour [Watch @poppilotwatches]

A photo posted by (@pilotmadeleine) on Nov 5, 2015 at 10:50am PST

Mists and mellow fruitfulness can get to fuck: I miss summer. I'm not here to score enigmatic, mumblecore, thoughtful, artistic, avant-garde intrigue points season-wise. I'm here to tell you that sweaty backs, hot sex, long nights, and cold ice cream are best. Shove your jumpers: I'm here for the dairy.

I forgot to tell You.."chłopski garnek" = farts ! So bless everybody in the house.. #chłopskigarnek #stew #simply #plantbased #amazing #food #eat #nutrition #healthy #foodaddict #foodporn #instafood #instagood #photooftheday #vsco #cleaneating #eatclean #fitness #fitfam #fitspo #superfoods #healthyfoodshare #vscocam #vscogood #throwback #repost #recipeoftheday #livefolk #delicious #gloobyfood A photo posted by KasiaS_ (@ka_ttka_) on Nov 5, 2015 at 11:05am PST

The fartocalypse. Nobody ever warns you. Fancy a delicious bowl of Jerusalem artichoke soup for lunch? Then you'd better get ready to be doubled over in flatulent agony come dinner. Snacking on some dried apricots? Make sure you're by an open window. Love beans? Hate elevators.

Mackerel for tonight's @restobabette #TheGuestSeries takeover few spots left call us on 020 3011 1547 to book

A photo posted by Lyle's (@lyleslondon) on Nov 3, 2015 at 3:57am PST

Lyle's of Shoreditch appear to have found Nemo, drawn a maze of Hampton Court Palace across his back, and then held him like an axe blade. Good on them.

Almost missed check in for my flight but have made it and im now on the hunt for a plug, sitting on the floor looks like my best option! At least I had one of the custard tarts I brought back from Lisbon before I left. These were from my favourite pasteleria, @manteigaria A photo posted by Edd Kimber (@theboywhobakes) on Oct 30, 2015 at 11:04am PDT

Isn't it terrible when you get the shakes? Those early morning tremors that make you spill all your dry shampoo and Dowe Egberts across the table? So you can hardly read the paper for grit-covered marble?

A very moody early lunch (I know, but I had a REALLY early start today) of Baked Eggs Creole (a bit mushed up whilst getting out of the pan) with peppers and spinach in a spicy tomato based sauce, leftover Spiced Sweet Potato Wedges and Zaboca. Basically a meal made up of #CaribbeanModern recipes. So tasty, not very photogenic.. #brunch #wholesome #hearty #colourful

A photo posted by Shivi Ramoutar (@shiviramoutar) on Nov 4, 2015 at 3:31am PST

OK, talk me through this. We've got eggs smashed with spinach and peppers, leftover sweet potato wedges, avocado ("zaboca" to his friends), and spicy tomatoes? That's not a "modern Caribbean twist"—that's the entire contents of my fridge made shiny.

Porridge pop up @druidstmarket this Saturday! @rudehealth will be serving up delicious bowls of porridge & almond milk @doisyanddam hot chocolate #druidstreet #market #bermondsey #foodmarket #porridge #popup #hotchocolate A photo posted by TOAST (@eatdrinktoast) on Nov 5, 2015 at 6:23am PST

As the ancient, toothless Mary Anne Sailors in Dylan Thomas' Welsh magnum opus Under Milk Wood cries out to the morning gulls: "Praise the lord who made porridge." Especially when it looks like a galaxy of perfect planets. Especially when it looks like this.

While these beautiful Leccinum mushrooms are not truffle-like, they are ectomycorrhizal (having a beneficial relationship through their mycelium to the roots of trees and plants, promoting health), so I wanted to share this… . . "In much of the northern spotted owl's range, old growth conifer forests provide relatively high densities of their preferred prey, the northern flying squirrel and the red-backed vole. Ninety percent of these rodents' diet consists of ectomycorrhizal, underground, truffle-like fungi in these large, dense forests of the Pacific Northwest . . . Thus, in this situation, we see a tight, four-part harmony in which a bird species preys on rodent species that eat truffle-like mycorrhizal fungi which, in turn, are responsible for maintaining the health of Douglas fir trees whose branches and trunks provide prime roosting and nesting sites for the bird. As is often the case, charismatic macrofauna, like the owl, become the icon for conservation of unique and pristine ecosystems, yet experimental evidence verifies that ectomycorrhizal fungi are the actual keystone organisms." Halling, 2001 #mushrooms #caretakers #keystoneorganisms

A photo posted by yellowelanor (@yellowelanor) on Nov 4, 2015 at 2:11pm PST

Either that grass is tiny or we are looking at a car-sized pair of mushrooms. I mean, this is some Alice in Wonderland shit. I'm not even sure I'm young enough to be hitting the ectomycorrhizal any more. This is weird.

Chef Simon (@simonbursche) just came back to the restaurant with this freshly caught hare from the forests north of Copenhagen. A photo posted by noma (@nomacph) on Nov 2, 2015 at 7:05am PST

Run rabbit, run rabbit, run, run, run. Here comes the Michelin-starred chef now with his gun, gun, gun. Or you can just hang there. Play it cool. Stretch out those paws and keep looking at the floor. Your call, pal.

Autumn frost on Brussels sprouts.

A photo posted by Magnus Nilsson (@faviken) on Oct 29, 2015 at 9:55am PDT

The Frost performs its secret ministry/unhelped by any wind, as that opium-swigging old maniac Coleridge so famously put it.

When vegetables resemble humans…Spotted these hilariously cute carrots in New York last month! #TBT #TheArtOfEatingWell A photo posted by Hemsley Sisters (@hemsleyhemsley) on Nov 5, 2015 at 1:30am PST

For when your stew needs a real kick. (Please help me. Please, God help me).