Editor's Note: MUNCHIES receives an avalanche of questions about food and cooking every week, so we've rolled up our sleeves and enlisted the help of the mysterious Internet food blogger, Shit Food Blogger, to give us a helping hand. Twice a month, Shit Food Blogger is here to answer all of your culinary questions in his brand new column, Shitty Food, from the totally tasteless to the most thoughtful that would make Alain Ducasse blush. Drop us a line at munchies@vice.com with the subject line "Shit Food Blogger" for a chance for him to respond to your earth-shattering kitchen queries.Choosing me to answer all of your cooking questions in a cooking column should make everyone ask what kind of shitshow they're running over here at MUNCHIES, but let's give this a shot.Here's what you should know about me:I should also point out that movies are not cookbooks, and Amy Adams is wonderful in everything, so fuck off.I made Julia's recipe for puff pastry dough. It required me to spend a stupid amount of time making something that was not at all better than the frozen stuff. What should I do? You should go to Trader Joe's and buy all of their frozen puff pastry around Thanksgiving. It's a seasonal product, so stock up for the year. I have a chest freezer at home and one side is dedicated to puff pastry and the other side is full of TJ's chocolate croissants. Aim lower in life, and you'll be much happier. And you won't spend so much time on bullshit.Following Mastering the Art of French Cooking, I prepared bisque with whole shrimp, using heads and shells for the stock. Watching their black eyes whirl around in the blender turned my stomach against trying it, so I basically made it for my cats. I know all the shell fragments were removed when I pressed the blender contents through a sieve, but I expect the eyes got through in some form. Was it foolish of me to forego sampling the result of my cooking lesson? Yes, you were foolish. Certainly negligent. But not for the reasons you think.Before we go any further, I need to state that I'm worried about your cats. Bisque of any sort for them is a terrible idea (so much cream). These shrimp brutalized the intestinal systems of your cats. And in your moment of repulsion with hundreds of eyes watching you, you thought to yourself, I lack moral fortitude. I need acceptance. This pureed shrimp smells like something my cats will love because I feel bad about myself. You are treating your cats as an emotional dumping ground. And I think you're doing the same with the shrimp.If you were dumping those shrimp into a blender without their horrible eyes staring at you, do you think for one goddamn second you wouldn't have eaten the fuck out of that bisque? You would have. In the US, we remove all indicators that we've paid someone to enact violence on our food. We want to be good. We want to be nice. Those shrimp don't give two fucks about you. They never did. Eating is an act of aggression. Every time I open a bag of hot wing pretzel bites, I'm asserting dominance over wheat, hot sauce, and a lot of bad personal choices. But all you're asserting is your neediness.The next time you visit your therapist or your mom, I want you to unpack what is driving this need for acceptance by your cats, so much so that you're willing to jeopardize their intestinal health. You are willing to hurt others in attempts to draw them closer to you. That's some sociopathic shit you're dealing out to those around you.Be thankful for these shrimp, these little bugs of sadness and self-loathing. Go through the swirl of hundreds of eyes and be better.
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- I have lots of strong opinions about food despite having no formal training. I am deeply aware of my own incompetence, but I don't let it stop me.
- I know the perfect recipes for carrot cake and pie crust.
- I almost never eat at restaurants, so when I do, I expect that shit to be tight.
- I am needy as fuck.
- I am also DTF.
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