This Week in Food Porn: Chocolate Figs and Tomato Macarons

This post was originally published on MUNCHIES UK.

Tumble out of bed and stumble to the kitchen, pour yourself a cup of ambition, then yawn and stretch and try to come alive. Then jump on your phone while the Wi-Fi's pumping, dole out likes like your heartbeat's jumping, for folks like us living 'gram from nine to five.

Here are some of the nicest and most digestive photos uploaded to Instagram for your delectation this week.

@yossyarefi chocolate fig cake #cake #chocolatecake #brownies #figs #chocolatebrownie #foodporn #thebakefeed #feedfeed @thefeedfeed #f52grams #beautifulcuisines #spoonfeed #thekitchn #EEEEEATS #eater #yahoofood #gloobyfood #huffposttaste #buzzfeast #buzzfeedfood #foodpic #foodpics #foodphotography #foodstyling #vscofood #baking #dessert #delicious #sweets #tagsforlikes #instafood

A photo posted by Stephanie Borkowsky (@borkowskybakes) on Sep 15, 2016 at 11:11am PDT

I once knew a man who, quite genuinely, told me that he would never eat a fig in public because, and I quote, "I'm not sure if I'm doing it properly." That man, it is my duty to inform you, was not a lesbian.

Makaron or tomato? • yummy • beautiful • alon.f_pic • #yummy #yummyfood #foodart #foodie #foodstyling #tomato #makaroni #sweet #dessert #yummy A photo posted by TAG #magazine_food To Feature (@magazine_food) on Sep 15, 2016 at 11:12am PDT

This is like saying that you can't tell the difference between Blackpool and Paris. Between a tabby cat and a tiger. Between Mick Hucknall and a shower exfoliator. You might as well tell me you thought Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in an actual documentary about being identical twins.

* Layers of mashed raspberries, almond butter, maqui berry cashew cream & chia pudding.

A photo posted by anett * (@anettvelsberg) on Sep 15, 2016 at 9:21am PDT

"Mummy, what was the 21st Century like?"

"Well darling, we all breathed air, had sex using our bodies, and ate all our meals out of jars for absolutely no explicable reason."

"Sounds shit."

"It had its ups and downs."

St. Honorè cakes w/ Mango & milk, chocolate cream, vanilla chantilly, and lime glaze by @omarbusi #TheArtOfPlating Fun Fact: This is a classic French dessert named after the French patron saint of bakers and pastry chefs A photo posted by The Art of Plating (@theartofplating) on Sep 15, 2016 at 7:12am PDT

Of course, everyone wants a pudding that looks like one of the £3 fairground rides that rests on a pile of bricks in the middle of the local council park the first weekend of October. I mean we all do. Right?

Melanzana Perlina - unique shape, size snd taste - love the #diversity #melanzane #melanzani #aubergine #eggplant #gemüse #vegetables #rezeptbuchcom #rezeptideen #italien #italy #italia #italienfood #italienkitchen #foodphoto #foodphotography #vegetarian #vegetarisch #vegan #veganfood #veganfoodshare

A photo posted by klausZ (@_klausz_) on Sep 15, 2016 at 11:08am PDT

This is pretty much exactly what my grandmother warned her son would happen to his genitals if he "bothered" with himself to enthusiastically at bedtime.

New recipe on the blog! Saison Ale Steamed Mussels + Fennel, Saffron, & Preserved Lemon. Link in profile. It's quick, easy, and one pot, and the fragrant broth is positively addictive when sopped up with crusty sourdough. These are hands down the best mussels I've ever had. @matthewlud & I came up with the recipe together and tag teamed shooting & styling it all while I was wearing an alternately sleeping, nursing, and crying baby Eula in my @sollybabywrap. This photo was slapped together in about 15 minutes and is my exercise in good enough is good enough as I learn to navigate the chaotic reality of food blogging, working, retreats & travel blogging, marriage, and full time motherhood & exclusive breastfeeding. I hope my new "hey lets just do it" attitude + working as a team with my husband results in two things: more delicious recipes like this for you guys *and* in me writing the cookbook I've procrastinate for 3 years. I'll let you know if it actually happens. In the mean time, enjoy the freebies.localmilkrecipes #theartofslowliving A photo posted by Elizabeth Kirby (@local_milk) on Sep 15, 2016 at 9:35am PDT

I'm about as likely to eat a mussel with a fork as I am to take a newborn baby into my arms using a giant pair of kitchen tongs. However, if you're going to do it, you might as well use a fork that makes you look like a giant hairy Neptune in sports shorts, I suppose.

Have you bought something thinking it was something else? -Got these thinking they where Loquat, I used to eat them when I was little so didn't remember exactly what they looked like. At least these where good . Happy day lovelies! x

A photo posted by S u s a n A n d r e a (@_susandrea_) on Sep 15, 2016 at 5:23am PDT

The man from Del Monte's looking good for his age isn't he? And so nice to see a man willing to invest in a good manicure from time to time.

Peut-être aimez-vous mieux avec du #ketchup ? #frites #fries A photo posted by F3 Studio - Photos Culinaires (@f3studioqc) on Sep 15, 2016 at 10:58am PDT

Do you remember the "fat" one from Grease? You know, the woman who was, somehow, supposed to be "fat"? Who made all those jokes about eating Twinkies? And looking like a chubby little mouse? But who quite clearly had the lithe and supple body of a professional dancer? So they just dressed her in a big sweatshirt and hoped nobody would notice? Well, when I marry that woman, this is what we're going to have at the wedding buffet.

Celebrating the #Paralympians aka #Superhumans with these little morsels. Best eaten fresh out of the oven, Pão de queijo can also be filled with a savoury filling of your choice. Try them with slow cooked beef brisket, pulled pork or lamb shoulder take me back to #Brasil! #livetoeat #foodporn #foodpics #igfood #foodphotography #instafood #pãodequeijo #snack #cheeseballs #mgtestkitchen

A photo posted by @mgtestkitchen on Sep 15, 2016 at 11:08am PDT

Funnily enough, "Pão de queijo" is exactly what it sounds like when I ask my flatmate to pass me the keys, as I'm pushing a bread roll into my mouth, need a wee and in something of a hurry to get through the door after a night bus home.

It's almost time for #dinner over in #Singapore and it looks like the team @bsksingapore have got it all sorted - check out that cracking crackling ! Gx A photo posted by Gordon Ramsay (@gordongram) on Sep 13, 2016 at 4:04am PDT

That, Gordon, is a giant crispy pork ladder to the afterlife.

Gherkins #berlin #pratergarten #gherkins #twogherkins #gurkenaufdeutsch #happygherkins #yellow #summergherkins #yellowtable

A photo posted by Amy Nicholls (@mamynicholls) on Sep 13, 2016 at 9:24am PDT

In this sloshflunking Giant Country, happy eats like pineapples and pigwinkles is simply not growing. Nothing is growing except for one extreemly icky-poo vegetable called the snozzcumber. Oh well. Happy Birthday Dahl, grandad to us all.