This Week in Food Porn: Curried Eggs and Citrus-Glazed Doughnuts

Gaze in wonder at the best food porn uploaded to Instagram this week. No kitchen skills required.

What is this life if full of care? We have no time to stand and stare, at other people's lunches. No time to sit beneath the bowels of the subway, scrolling through photographs of dishes we have neither the time, kitchen, nor inclination to create ourselves. To stare as long as sheep or cows at, well, lamb curry and cheese burgers. No time to see, when snacks we pass, where squirrels hide their nuts in grass. Nor where that guy in the grey jacket bought his baked potato. What is this life if full or care?

Instead let us publish the best food porn uploaded to Instagram this week, while you can stand. And stare.

Curried eggs

A photo posted by Gizzi Erskine (@gizzierskine) on Dec 16, 2015 at 8:54am PST

Remember that scene in Cool Hand Luke? Where Paul Newman's eyes hold the might of human suffering like two pools in a depthless ocean? Where he embraces a sulphuric despair using nothing but 50 hard boiled eggs and a perfect face? The scene that makes my own fallopian tubes scream with longing? Well, apparently it's an appetiser now.

I love the smell of tangerines. It reminds me of childhood when we were together at home for the christmas holiday. A photo posted by ｄａｖｉｄｅ (@da.vi.de) on Dec 17, 2015 at 5:46am PST

If December is good for anything—and frankly, as yet more drizzle drips down our national arsecrack, the jury's still out—then it is eating the weight of my head in small oranges. Why you'd put a peelable fruit on a chopping board is anybody's guess, but each to their own. Their own orange. You can keep the fuck away from mine.

A photo posted by Food Yummy (@yummiology) on Dec 17, 2015 at 5:43am PST

Any idea what we're looking at here? Are these Bitcoins? Is this that new fossil they dug up on Vancouver Island the other day? Are we watching the death throes of the world's largest bed bug? Is that a colourised version of Tupac's autopsy photo? Whatever it is, it looks sort of delicious. Sort of.

Summer isn't even close. #justdoit @beachcraftsobe Florida Citrus Glazed Doughnuts with dulce de leche and Almond crumble. Spotlight on @foodiemagician for the pic. UNLOKT - Dough Bros. #unlokt #foodie #foodporn #foodgasm #foodcoma #igfoodie #instafood #miami #mia #305 #local #locallovemia #food #nom #foodpic #foodpics #foodies #foodphotography #yummy #fatty #miamifoodie #foodgasm #foodstagram #unloktmia #miafoodie #doughnuts #donuts A photo posted by Unlokt Miami (@unlokt_miami) on Dec 17, 2015 at 10:13am PST

Looks at thumbnail. Oh look, someone's dropped a bit of rolling tobacco on a semen-soaked cricket ball. Opens image to full size. Ah, my mistake. It's a Florida citrus-glazed doughnut with dulce de leche and almond crumble. Delicious.

Deep purple soba bowl (gf) by @tastyasheck Serves 1 Dressing: 1 tbsp peanut butter 1 tsp shoyu 1 tsp lime juice 2 tbsp coconut milk 1 tbsp hot water 1 good squeeze sriracha sauce 1/2 cup thinly sliced red cabbage 1 serving black rice soba noodles (gf) 1 handful flower sprouts or kale in pieces (stems removed) 1/2 clementine sliced horizontally 2 tbsp pomegranate jewels 2 tbsp cress 1/2 spring onion thinly sliced 1 tsp black and white sesame seeds each Blend the ingredients for the dressing until smooth. Mix with the cabbage in a large bowl with your hands until massaged and soft, set aside. In a nonstick pan toast the sesame seeds on medium heat until the develop their flavor, set aside to cool down. In a medium pan bring water (unsalted) to boil and add the noodles and give it a stir. After 2 Min add the flower sprouts (or kale) and cook for another 3 Min. Drain the noodles and flower sprouts and wash under cold water and drain well again. In a serving bowl mix together soba noodles and cabbage, garnish with the rest of the ingredients and toss with leftover dressing, cress, pomegranate and the sesame. #bestofvegan

A photo posted by Best Of Vegan (@bestofvegan) on Dec 17, 2015 at 9:12am PST

Holy shit, is that a rainbow? Is that the sound of choir of four million colons singing in joyful unison? Or is it, in fact, a sliced up orange in a bed of vegetables? Resting on a duvet cover? Either way, I'm sure it'll get things moving.

Test kitchen snapshot of our easy-slice Christmas dinner parcel, which is guaranteed to impress your guests. We've wrapped turkey breast, sausage meat and cranberry sauce in streaky bacon to make this all-in-one main course. Find the recipe in the latest December issue of the mag or online (link in bio) #christmas #bbcgoodfood #tripletested #gftestkitchen A photo posted by BBC Good Food (@bbcgoodfood) on Dec 16, 2015 at 2:58am PST

A sedimentary rock is a land structure formed by the deposition of material at the Earth's surface and within bodies of water. A gallstone is a concretion of bile components in the gallbladder, often formed as a result of high cholesterol. What we're looking at here is the very centre of that Venn diagram.

Oh la la ! It doesn't need to be #nutroast this #Christmas for #vegetarian. Your Christmas lunch should be equally as show stopping as the #turkey .here , my vegetarian alternative .soon will be on my website #celeriac

A photo posted by Raymond Blanc OBE (@raymondblanc) on Dec 11, 2015 at 2:57am PST

Raymond Blanc's vegetarian option appears to be five spare guitar picks, some grated mozzarella, a blob of mayonnaise, and a triangle of creme brûlée. In short, I'd totally eat that.

Pesto pasta at home. # A photo posted by Laura López (@lauraponts) on Dec 14, 2015 at 5:29am PST

Sweet Lord, it's a treasure map to egg-bound, gluten treasure.

A delicate world, That elegance and strength meet On my fingertip #fingertipfungi

A photo posted by yellowelanor (@yellowelanor) on Dec 16, 2015 at 11:49am PST

Can you eat something small enough to grow on a freckle? Can you eat something that could get lost on an eyelash? Can you eat something so small that sperm consider it a picnic venue? Probably not. Especially as it might just be Photoshop.

@fdtaljaard / #kingfish #yellowtail #shoredive #southafrica #apnea #freediving #spearfishing A photo posted by Spearfishing International (@spearfishing_international) on Dec 17, 2015 at 12:00am PST

I once went out with a man who went spearfishing. On our second ever date, he drove me to the top of an island, cooked dinner on a gas cannister, opened beers with his teeth, and then we sat in the boot of his car, wrapped in towels, and watched shooting stars streak across the sky. This is not that man.