This Week in Food Porn: Schnitzel and Snoop Dogg Ice Cream

As I write this, a child sitting opposite me is systematically pushing banana into every available orifice while staring me dead in the eye and making a noise like a baboon trying to sing along to Ertha Kitt. The glamour of European cafe culture, hey?

But whether you're busy trying to stop an infant ingest an entire roast dinner through its face or simply thumbing your way through another lunch buffet, please allow us to beguile this lazy hour with some delight. Namely, the best food photography snapped and tapped onto Instagram this week.

"Nom" as they say "nom."

Breakfast #

A photo posted by Laura López (@lauraponts) on Mar 17, 2016 at 12:28am PDT

Oh sure, this is definitely what my breakfast looked like. And I absolutely always eat breakfast with my beloved, hovering up a stepladder, staring down at some berry-smeared sheet music and a twin disc of white chocolate like I'm having an early morning out-of-body-experience. That's just the catalogue lifestyle I'm living. And if you pricks don't like it then you know where the filing cabinet full of bin juice and Shredded Wheat is, don't you?

Gourmandise du jour Une boule de glace pour agrémenter tout cela et le bonheur est dans l'assiette! #pastry #patisserie #instapastry #pastrychef #bocuse #paulbocuse #collonges #foodporn #instafood #frenchfood #frenchcuisine #frenchchef #gastronomie #gastronomia #gastronomy #guidemichelin #3michelinstars #lesgrandestablesdumonde #lyon #onlylyon #igerslyon #france #instafrance A photo posted by Paul Bocuse (@paulbocuse_officiel) on Mar 17, 2016 at 4:30am PDT

It says quite a lot about this stage in my life that I can't decide if this looks like a massage table covered in sex toys or a freshly disinfected sink full of bath toys. That thing at the back also looks a lot like my favourite marble run from popular board game Mouse Trap.

/ Saturation Day / #interior123 #interiordesign #interior #architecture #home #ikea #glass #fresh #design #lights #sun #sunnyday #juce #foodphotography #fooddesign #kichen #minimalism #minimal #minimalist #minimalism_world #foodfashion #saturation

A photo posted by LUKA WORKS (@lukaworks) on Mar 17, 2016 at 6:17am PDT

Um, right. I, ah, I … Sorry, I'm just … That is a selection of three bottles full of variously stained shit milk, right? I haven't made this up, have I? I'm not actually looking at some Mini Milks in the newsagent and having a hunger-induced hallucination, am I? Because that would sort of make more sense than what I'm seeing right now.

Четвёртую ночь без сна. Кто-то ходит в парадной, за стеной звучит блюз. Довольно сложно сохранять прямоту спины и тишину комнаты печатая в темноте. Ещё сложнее сдержать слово и отыскать смелость, чтобы перебирать пальцами клавиши и оставлять на электронных листах слова. Печатать. Писать. В соседнем доме снова горит свет, в этом окне тоже не спят. Недавно пришёл конец февралю, а за ним случился март и добавил мне возраста. Подумаю об этом утром. Ребёнок вырос во взрослую дочь, В этом заслуга, а не вина. Дремлют со мной потолок и стена, Снова без сна всю ночь. A photo posted by Olesya Kuprin Photographer (@okuprin) on Mar 17, 2016 at 2:04am PDT

Now, what I think we're looking at here is a simple everyday case of an iced panettone just kicking back on the top of a metal suitcase surrounded by a couple of totally credible bottle tops. Just another example of that crazy, lazy metallic-business-cake-meeting-by-a-bin lyfe. Hardly even worth mentioning, really.

#cuore di #manzo #cavolonero #pepedisichuan #oliverpiras #agaristorante #aromicreativi #foodphotography

A photo posted by mattia (@mattiacinacchi) on Mar 17, 2016 at 6:16am PDT

Christ almighty—I couldn't eat another thing! Seriously. Two bus ticket slices of meat and some drops of engine oil, and I'm honestly full right up til midnight. Stuffed. Can't even reach my shoelaces.

Peach buns #homemade #buns #top_food_of_instagram #yum #yummyinmytummy #yummy #foodpic #foodphotography #foodporn #instadessert #instafood #cuisine_captures #cuisine #mutfakgram #cafemutfak #happiness #liveauthentic #live A photo posted by Khing Wong (@khingwongofficial) on Mar 17, 2016 at 6:17am PDT

Ha ha. Your peach buns look like tits, you idiot. Oh, that was intentional? Oh shit. Right. Sorry, yes. My mistake. Silly me.

A swoony tale of Culinary School, A Cookbook, and Chicken + Dumplings…. featured on today's EyeSwoon | link in profile Beautifully captured by @hellomydumpling #eyeswoon #swoonworthy #eskitchen #f52grams #feedfeed #cookit #eeeeeats #foodphotography #chicken #mushrooms

A photo posted by Athena Calderone (@eyeswoon) on Mar 17, 2016 at 6:15am PDT

Frankly, I don't give two shiny shits what season it is if we get to eat like Henry VIII for a few more weeks. Daffodils can go blow a horn and the snowdrops can fizz for all I care (I'm joking Mother Nature, please don't take spring away from me again).

@studiodiy, please come to my house and make me one of these for breakfast pretty, please?! @studiodiy #breakfast #stpatricksday A photo posted by Betsy Kennedy (@betsy_kennedy_) on Mar 17, 2016 at 5:53am PDT

Holy shit, do you remember that video where Snoop Dogg literally rapped along to Katy Perry wearing a suit covered in sweets? This is the man who had to go to court accused of second-degree murder in the shooting dead of a gang member at a Palms park—in a suit covered in sweets. Anyway, at least now we know what happened to Katy Perry's merkin from the "California Gurls" shoot.

Sometimes a very simple thing can look really pretty, mayonnaise with chives #foodphoto #foodphotography #simplicity #instafood #foodstagram #foodstyling

A photo posted by Søren Gammelmark Photography (@gammelmarkphoto) on Mar 17, 2016 at 6:14am PDT

I once went to a business talk given by the man who started Pret. Fuck knows why—I don't run a business and I rarely eat food from Pret. But I remember very clearly the moment he was asked the secret to Pret's success. Without a flicker of irony or a second to consider it he said: "Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise makes everything delicious." He's not wrong.