Denny's Rocks World of Stoners and Senior Citizens by Changing Classic Pancake Recipe

Denny's, the always-open-late, breakfast-centric chain that inhabits seemingly every suburban corner of the US, is destroying the last constancy in millions of senior citizens' lives by changing their pancake recipe. The new pancakes, which have been served at every Denny's since last Tuesday, are supposed to be 50-percent fluffier (we love marketing statistics like that), and also smoother, more cakey, and generally better-tasting.

They've changed the recipe mostly by adding things that should have been in pancakes all along. According to John Dillon, the Chief Marketing Officer for Denny's, the new recipe includes "pure ingredients and classic flavors" which apparently means "real eggs, fresh buttermilk, and a hint of vanilla," and a new "proprietary flour blend."

The old-style pancakes came from a dry mix combined with water, with no dairy or eggs.

The pancake change is part of a larger push towards healthier and more wholesome foods using less-processed ingredients, the same movement responsible for things like turkey bacon and chicken sausage in the once proudly artery-clogging Grand Slam, and the reason Denny's claims it will sell 100-percent cage-free eggs by 2026.

And if you prefer the old pancakes? Dillon says you're out of luck. The Denny's pancakes of your childhood are gone for good, and you didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.

We know what you're thinking: Will they cost more? Well, yes—but Dillon says the cost difference is "negligible" and will vary from Denny's to Denny's across the country. Most importantly, the price for the $4 all you can eat pancakes (how can that possibly be right?) won't change. We're sorry, but infinity anything for only four bucks makes us nervous.

Oh, and that "50 percent more fluffiness" statistic? Well, Dillon says he stands by it. He claims Denny's put their new pancakes to what he calls the "ultimate fluffiness test"—also a great way to choose which kitten to adopt, FYI — and actually measured the height of various stacks of pancakes to determine the "average fluffiness" of each.

After all, somewhere there is somebody who has that job.